The Door to Insanity has been opened
by chibilinnet
Summary: OH YEAH! IT'S ALL OVER! After a chapter of girlish fighting, everything all ends (with a weird result). Last chapter and epilogue, enjoy, PUNY MORTALS! *stabs ego*(part II of
1. The Insanity begins

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THE DOOR TO INSANITY HAS OPENED...

by chibilinnet

Yes, this is the "sequel" or "Part II" of my Kingdom Hearts fic... you may wanna read the first part "And after the game"... Cheap Self-Promotion? *shifty eyes* Never...

On the side note, I have opened my heart to darkness recently. I assume it was the dark powers that I obtained that was drawing readers to read my fic. Therefore, I want you all to succumb to the darkness and read this fic. THERE IS NO LIGHT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!

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DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN KINGDOM HEARTS, FINAL FANTASY, AND ANYONE IN THOSE GAMES...

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CHAPTER ONE: What the hell...? This again??

Lance was very upset. And confused. And irritated. And sick of having to find interesting beginnings to draw readers in and keep a suspenseful mood in the air.

He was also having trouble finding a box of cookies. It seemed that a certain "someone" had bought all the cookies in Deling City, and Lance decided that one day he must kill that certain "someone". 

But all the mattered was finding the cookies first. Then maybe Clo-err, the guy in the cloak would tell him how to get to space.

He looked up to the starry sky, inky blue with the shining gems stuck to it like stupid little fireflies. Lance always loved the stars. he felt as if they were calling to him, beckoning him to jump out of his forty-story window and fly to them. Thankfully, someone always stopped him before he actually tried that.

But, to reach the stars... Lance must find cookies first!

"Damn, what do they want me to do, import them from Japan?" Lance was exasperated, to say the least, and was just about to consider that. Then he saw a L-Mart in the distance. He laughed at the author's lack of creativity, then remembered that this was, in theory, a parody... OR WAS IT?

"They must have cookies there! It's L-Mart!" The singer decided, then he strode into the store, waiting for the huge impact of bloodthirsty fangirls and posers who merely wanted a shred of his clothes so they could make a profit on eBay. To his surprise, none came.

Being very happy, Lance merrily strolled over to the cookie aisle, where they had everything cookie. He was about to grab a pack when a very interesting conversation on the next aisle (canned foods) grabbed his attention and refused to let go. 

"Hey, son, how's it going? How's your failed experiment?"

"She's not a failed experiment, Hojo! Besides, my so-called failed experiment is better than yours. Mine can _think_."

"You don't have to rub it in..."

"Ha Ha! I'm a better scientist than yooooouuuuu!!"

"SHUT UP! PITIFUL EXCUSE FOR A SON!"

"You're just jealous..." 

Lance was a little confused. He sneakily suspected that this was just added in to close one of the many violent, swirling plotholes in the story. Perhaps something to do with Ansem being Kairi's father? The plothole was still there, though. It seemed the author failed.

"What a pathetic author!" Lance grumbled, and he decided to just grab the cookies and go. 

It was very fortunate that Lance decided to do just that, for the moment he grabbed the cookies and started forward, a meteor fell and crashed on the very spot he had been standing on.

'DAMMIT!" A voice yelled. Lance shuddered and ran away as fast as he could, before the homicidal author could try again.

~~~~

"Heeeheee! The little duckeys!" Cloud-

"I AM NOT CLOUD!"

Ahem, the man in the cloak was excited, as he recently discovered that the fountain at Deling City held ducks. The man in the cloak loved ducks almost as much as he loves cookies. Almost.

The sound of footsteps made him look up. Ah! The singer had returned, with a box of Chips Ahoy! Chewy chocolate chip cookies. His favorite!

"Alright, here are your cookies..." Lance handed the man in the cloak the box. He flipped off his hood, revealing himself to be Cloud. Now the author can finally call him by his name instead of "man in the cloak". Joy.

"Now, elaborate." Lance sat down next to Cloud, who was half-way between munching his first cookie. Cloud's plain blue eyes were glossy and some drool was hanging from his lips.

The frustrated singer smacked himself on the forehead. WHY was he stuck with an idiot? 

"Tell me how I can get to space." Lance said, more slowly and clearly this time. Cloud suddenly snapped back to reality and he nodded.

"You know how there are doors to light and dark? Well, there's lots more doors, like the door to McDonalds, and the door to my house, and..." Cloud rambled on about these different doors, speaking of nonsense, when Lance lost patience and smacked him soundly on the head.

"AAAUUUGGGHHH!! MY HAND!!" Lance learned what Alice learned the hard way: Never smack Cloud upside the head. He quickly plunged his hand into the water and winced as his scarlet blood mixed in.

"Errrr... yeah! I mean, there's a final door: The Door to... jeez, what happened to your hand?" The stupid-infested fighter glanced at his bleeding comrades hand. Lance plainly gave him a glare that even he could understand: Continue on or die.

"The Door to Insanity! If you can open it, you can defy physics and stuff. If I opened the door, maybe I could learn how to read! ... Um, and maybe you can go into space..." Cloud explained, grabbing the Restore Materia that was still imbedded in one of his back spikes. Surprisingly, it still worked, and it healed Lance's hand perfectly.

"Wow, they don't make Materia liked they used too..." Lance observed, wondering how the dried-up orb could still work. He shrugged and pocketed it. Maybe a Neo-Shinra prototype?

"Anyway, how do you know all of this, Cloud? It's not like you to know this stuff..."

"Because! Alice told me about it, that was her goal. She said maybe I could be smart! If we open the Door to Insanity, ANYTHING CAN GO!" Cloud emphasized the last few words for effect. 

Lance rolled his eyes and shook his head in pity for poor Cloud.

"Cloud, this fiction is humor, of course anything can go... the only thing is that the author doesn't want random insanity type humor..." He carefully explained. Cloud shook his head fiercely.

"Laaaance! Alice said the Door to Insanity has GREATER power than the author! It's the story source FOR the author! If the Door opens, the author will no longer have any control of the story! It's our best shot, right?" Cloud almost pleaded. He looked down sadly. 

"And, I really wanna know how to read..." He commented quietly.

The singer looked up to the starlit sky. He frowned, pondering this. Overthrowing the author herself? Seemed near impossible. But hey, there was no way the author would allow Lance to fulfill his dream and go into space, and hell would freeze over before she would allow Cloud to be able to read. 

He smiled, and extended a hand to Cloud.

"We'll head to the Hollow Bastion Library and look this 'Door to Insanity' up."

Cloud smiled gleefully and shook hands with Lance. 

It seems like the author would be in some deep shit...

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I honestly have no clue where this popped up. I think it has something to do with the fact I am a self-proclaimed Heartless. I EVEN MADE UP A THEME SONG!

We're Heartless! We're Heartless!

And we're tied to the darkness!

Mwahahahahaha! I have been listening to Ansem for too long. Oh well. Hope you enjoyed reading chapter one of Part II... that made no sense, did it?


	2. WHY YOU NO DIE, CLOUD?

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CHAPTER TWO: Now Ansem has screenshots of him! ^_^

http://www.rose-hulman.edu/~rzepczrs/ansem/ansem.html

The Great Patches has struck back (and yes, you were review #1) with a nice site with Ansem media (5 screenshots and 2 pieces of fanart). Open yourself and darkness and visit. NOW! GO!

Disclaimer? Go to chapter one, fool, it's right there.

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Now, ever since Sora sealed Kingdom Hearts (and earning Square $3 million. Greedy bastards!), gummi ships have been unable to reach other worlds, as they would crash into the walls that sealed each world from another and burn. As a result, it was very hard to travel around (again, thanks to Sora's meddling, people are fully aware that there are other worlds to visit... AND DESTROY!)

Lance really pondered on how Cloud managed to reach Deling City. All Lance had to do was fall in a plot hole. But Cloud... well, he was too stupid to find one, much less know what a plot hole was.

"Cloud," he thought aloud, "How the hell did you get here?"

"Ummm... I...uhhh... I...daaaaaaahhh..." In attempting to answer Lance's question, the answer had escaped Cloud a long, long time ago and Cloud shut down, drooling and staring off into nothing. 

"DAMMIT! NOT AGAIN!" Lance screamed, filled with utter rage. He had been such an idiot to agree with Cloud and his stupid "Door to Insanity" crap! Of course the author would not wish to create such a thing and guarantee her death, right?

Um... well... maybe... she would...for plot.. purposes...yeah...

Lance rose an eyebrow. Why was the author being so uneasy? In any case, he had to find a way to get Cloud back first.. although Cloud was probably better this way, something told Lance he would get all the bashing that Cloud was supposed to have.

Learning from previous experiences, Lance knew not to smack Cloud with his hand, but rather with a large metal bat, preferably made of titanium. He grabbed the aforementioned bat and swung it hard, smacking Cloud soundly in the head.

CRACK!

The loud crack echoed across the city, causing helpless stupid civilians to throw themselves at the ground in fear. A few unlucky ones were run over by cars. As for Lance, he almost got hit square in the face by one of the pieces of the bat, which shattered on contact.

One would expect someone to be knocked out or even dead after such a blow, but this is Cloud we're talking about, who can only feel immense pain (which is a good thing). Cloud just looked up and rubbed the back of his head, surprisingly unhurt.

"Something bumped into my head..." Cloud complained, and he looked around. He saw the frightened Lance, holding the shattered end of the titanium bat. Lance was staring at Cloud as if he suddenly announced that he was going to marry Sephiroth and make Ansem the flower girl.

"What? Is something on my face?" Cloud poked Lance on the side of the head. The singer closed his eyes, shook his head, and looked once at Cloud, who was supposed to be comatose on the ground, and the bat, which was supposed to be merely dented. Why was Cloud alive and happy? WHY?

"WHY ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?" Lance roared, throwing the leftovers of the bat away and drowning in misery. Such misery he was in! Cloud seemed to carry a certain curse with him: If you agreed to go on a journey with him, you were stuck with him until it was over. No ifs, ands, or buts.

Cloud was very confused. Why was Lance sad? He did not like it when his friends were sad. Cloud decided to make Lance happy, because Lance gave him cookies, and it you give Cloud cookies, you are a friend in his 2-page book, scrawled with writing so bad a kindergarten teacher couldn't read it.

Thinking, or at least trying to, back to the days when he thought he was smart enough to read, Cloud remembered a happy book that he read about friends. It said that... that... um, Cloud could not remember, but the pictures had this one happy person hugging a sad person, then that sad person became happy again!

Cloud's microscopic mind worked quickly to figure this out. After 30 minutes, Cloud had it!:

Cloud+Hug+Lance=Happy Lance!

Nodding, Cloud turned to Lance and gave him a...

*puts on Teletubbies music*

BIIIIIIG HUUUUUG!

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" Losing all dignity, Lance flailed his arms around and squealed like a scared little girl. "GET IT OFF! PARASITE!! IT'S SUCKING AT MY ...ORGAN...THINKY...THINGY...AAAAAAAHHHHH! I'M NOT SMART NO MORE!!"

Lance proceeded to run around the city, screaming, with Cloud firmly attached to his waist. He ran past a cafe full of aspiring artists and writers, who were sitting around discussing about the joy of the simple things. They noticed Lance immediately.

"Duuuude... Performance art! Must be for his new music video or something!" One of the writers commented, taking a big bite out of his doughnut. Mmmm, doughnut.

"GAAAAAHHHH...*gasp gasp* Ahhhh...*gasp* Daaaaamn... you're heavy..." Lance panted, returning to the square they started in. Lance felt Cloud let go if his waist and land on the ground with an audible smack. 

Good! Lance thought. The author nodded in agreement.

Kicking Cloud's body aside, Lance sat down and thought. How the heck did Cloud travel to Deling City without using a plothole? And if he did, how could Lance get one to appear?

~~~~

"New York cabbies!"

"...What?"

Ansem threw a travel brochure at Kairi. It smacked her in the face. She stared stupidly at the piece of paper for 15 seconds, then recovered. She read the paper, and a look of confuzzlement (IT'S A WORD, DAMMIT!) came over her face.

"New York cabbies?"

"Yeah!" Ansem laughed. "We can go back home, and I can see that wonderful library again, and..."

"But I don't wanna go home, Dad!" Kairi whined. "Besides, you dumped me on Destiny Islands in the first place..."

(A/N: Somebody translated Ansem's report 11 (it was from Kingdom Hearts: Final Mix) and indeed, Ansem mentioned sending a girl off to another world, so she could lead him to the Keyblade master. He also mentioned it was an experiment. Ansem sure takes after his father! ^_^)

"Yeah, thanks for spoiling Final Mix for us, huh?" Ansem coldly responded to the author and he looked back at Kairi.

"You don't want to go back?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. Kairi shook her head furiously.

"OK, then, I guess I'm stuck here until you die or something..." Ansem bitterly moaned. After the Destiny Islands government found out that Ansem threw Kairi on the island, they gave him two options: 1) Take care of Kairi and become her legal guardian or 2) Spend 14 years in prison for child abandonment, not to mention kidnapping. This was 5 years ago, and Kairi had become accustomed to calling him "Dad". 

"YAY!" Kairi proceeded to do the happy dance. She looked at the clock.

"Awwwww! Sora's restraining order is up..." She sat back down and frowned. Maybe next time Sora offends her she should kick him in the groin, pour kerosene on him and set him on fire. Fuuuun...

~~~~

There was a little beep, a click, and Sora was free from any sort of legal matters.

"YAY!! NOW KAIRI CAN COME BACK IN THE STORY WITHOUT ENDANGERING OUR LIVES!!" Sora gleefully sang. He grabbed Riku's arm and started dancing around.

"AAAAHHHHH!!" Riku was caught off guard and was pulled helplessly into Sora's dance of death. It was called that because Sora had a tendency to do these dances near cliffs (like he was right now) and he also had the tendency to let go of his partner when they were 10 centimeters (go metric!) away from the edge.

Riku was afraid. So very afraid.

"SSOOOORAAAA! STOOPPPP!!" Riku screamed, being thrown back and forth around. He gripped on Sora's hand tightly, in fear of being launched off the cliff early.

"Stop? OOOOOOK!" Sora smiled, and he abruptly stopped and let go of Riku's hand.

"NOOOOOOOOO!!" Riku cried, and lo and behold, he was 10 centimeters from the cliff edge. He was thrown back from the momentum and manage to catch himself right before his foot slipped off the cliff edge.

"Whew..." 

"YAY! RIKU SURVIVED!" Sora cried, and he gave his friend a flying body tackle. He smashed into Riku and both were flung off the cliff, falling to their doom (in the form of nice, jagged rocks.)

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!" Riku squealed, and he closed his eyes for the bloody impact.

...................

And it never came.

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MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! I am so proud of myself ^_^

Has anyone noticed that you see less of Mickey, Donald and Goofy, just to name a few classic Disney characters? I mean, the Disney Channel has House of Mouse, but... THERE'S NOTHING AFTER THAT! WHY?? WHAT HAPPENED TO MICKEY MOUSE?? MINNIE?? ALL THEM PEOPLE?? 

*sniff* I WANT MY OLD DISNEY CARTOONS BACK...


	3. The crazed Princess of Heart returns wit...

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CHAPTER THREE: They always kill the cool guys!

Gollum rocks. There's no denying it. Gollum is the best character ever to be created for a book series. Only person better than Gollum is Ansem. ^_^

Lord of the Rings confuses me. The books gave me a headache and the movie doesn't make it better. And why the hell do they say "I am [insert male name here], son of [insert male name similar to first name here]" when introducing themselves?? 

Disclaimer? Dammit, go the chapter one!

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Riku awaited the bloody, horrible death that awaited him and Sora...

...but it never came.

"What the hell? Dammit, just hurry up and kill us!" Riku muttered. He opened one aquamarine eye and looked up, astonished.

A starry sky greeted him. Riku could smell gasoline, cheap Chinese food, and strong perfume all at once. It was nauseating. Very. Controlling the urge to rid his stomach of it's delicious contents, he pushed Sora off and shakily stood up.

"Where...where are we?" Riku wondered aloud. He looked up, and there was a swirling black portal, dark energy crackling in it, looming just over his head. It disappeared before Riku could get a better look.

"I'll be damned! A plothole!" Riku muttered. Sora opened his eyes and was instantly hit by 200 watts of neon light. It seemed that the nearby casino finally had it's lights fixed.

"AAAAAAAHHHH!! I'M BLIND!" Sora screeched, rolling around in immense PAIN. He hissed and sputtered madly, bumping into Riku's leg. Sora immediately held it in a death grip, and Riku took no notice, taking a step forward. He fell flat on his face, much to the amusement of two teenaged punks walking down the sidewalk.

"DORK!" One of them yelled, and he laughed heartily. Too bad he didn't see that Strike Raid coming... eep, those blood stains are so hard to clean...

"Thanks Sora." Riku smiled, handing back the Keyblade to it's befuddled master. Sora grabbed for it blindly, still utterly confused.

"I suppose we better find out where we are..." Riku muttered, and he prayed that this fic had nothing to do with the Secret Ending.

~~~~

"Dad, where are you going?"

Kairi had a tone of concern in her voice. Ansem had a flamethrower in one hand and a video camera in another.

"TO GET ME SOME RESPECT!" He angrily answered her. Pacing around the room, he continued on ranting.

"Too long have people been mocking me! First, they depict me raping Riku! I'm angry, but I say nothing. THEN, they start pairing me up with guys. I'm still pissed, but I say nothing. BUT THEN, THEY GET IT IN THEIR SMALL FEEBLE MINDS THAT I PLAY WITH BARBIES!! THIS IS IT! I'VE HAD IT!"

He took a deep breath, drank a glass of water that was conveniently placed on the table, and continued on his ranting tirade.

"WHERE DO THESE PEOPLE GET THE NOTIONS THAT I BUY BARBIES?? WHERE, KAIRI?? I HATE IT! I'M SICK OF IT! HELL, I DON'T EVEN GET RESPECT IN *THIS* FIC! I'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!"

Kairi rose an eyebrow. "What, exactly?" 

"BURN DOWN FANFICTION.NET!" Ansem cackled with much glee. He took another sip of the water, then lovingly patted his flamethrower, the familiar demonic glint in his eye. Kairi sighed, then decided perhaps it was best not to stop him. Property damage seemed to be his thing, and they could always plead insanity...

"Why the video camera?" She pointed to the cheap Sony model. Ansem held it up and flipped the screen so it was visible.

"I'm gonna videotape is BURNING! BURNING!" He continued to cackle, swinging his weapons of doom around and almost smashing the video camera to the wall. Kairi winced.

"But... wouldn't that make you easier to convict? That's some solid evidence..." Kairi pointed out, a little worried that insanity may not work this time. 

"Naw, I'll be fine. The justice system here sucks, they still use Windows 95." Ansem reassured her. Humming "Simple and Clean", he gracefully opened the door and waltzed down to the Fanfiction.net HQ, where he would put an end to this madness.

~~~~

"D-E-L-I-N-G C-I-T-Y... De-leeng Ci..tee?" Sora carefully read, squinting his eyes to protect them from the merciless glare of the neon sign. Riku clapped.

"Good, Sora! Looks like Hooked on Phonics DID work for you!" Riku was proud. He always thought those stupid infomercials were a waste of time and money. Now he was proven wrong. 

Meanwhile, while our heroes aimlessly walked around Deling City, Lance and Cloud finally figured out the way to travel to other worlds without the use of plotholes and gummi ships.

"New York Cabbies?" Lance repeated, raising an eyebrow. The attendant nodded.

"Yes, everyone uses them now. Very reliable, won't crash down and burn, or get shot, like gummi ships." She explained, flicking her brown bangs away from her face. 

"Thank you Ms... uhhh..." Lance found her name tag, and quickly averted his gaze. Must they place them on the chest?? "Tara. Yeah, Ms. Tara. Two tickets, please." He dug into his pockets and pulled out a crumpled ten dollar bill. Tara handed him the tickets and started to dig through the cash register for change.

"Keep the change." Lance coolly informed her, and walked off, to the sugar-high Cloud.

"Didjagetthetickets??" Cloud chattered, talking at rates too high for a normal man. Then again, Cloud was anything but normal.

Lance stopped suddenly and eyed Cloud's clothing. It was a fine satin purple dress, with a red bow tied around the waist, the bow at the back. Cloud was also wearing a blonde wig, and smelled strongly like cologne.

"Good god, Cloud, what the hell are you wearing! You look like a girl!" Lance stepped back, in much fear.

"Do I look like a pretty girl?" Cloud asked, blinking cutely and giggling.

"HEY, HOT STUFF!" Some random fool shouted. He forgot the watch where he was going and tripped, falling on the tracks and soon getting run over by a soul-hungry train. Cloud giggled only more girlishly.

Lance fought the sudden urge to run. It did not good, and besides, he wasted ten bucks on two tickets anyway. He sat down on a nearby bench, covering his face with his hands.

"Why me?" He moaned.

~~~~

The mysterious Evil Magic Cauldron had returned once more, and this time, instead of a spiky-haired cross dresser, there was a young girl wearing a blue dress, glaring into the pot.

"So!" She spat, observing Lance and Cloud talking on the bench (or more of, Cloud trying to make conversation and Lance pretending that he didn't exist). "He thinks he will find the door without me?"

She stepped back and grabbed a black cloak, which fit her perfectly. It's hood shadowed her face, revealing only icy-blue eyes.

"No one dares defy me, Alice!" Alice spread her arms, and two red lightsabers appeared in each hand. Quickly, she left the scene, before George Lucas could come in and demand a lawsuit.

The author twitched more nervously now. Yes, deep shit she was in...

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Hey, I can't leave Alice out! She's just as important here as in the first story! And she has lightsabers because....well... there is a reason, but I can't tell yet. I prefer to call them "Dual blades of light", but all in all, they're still lightsabers.

And I might not update for a week or so, because my science project is due very soon (Jan 31), and my middle name is procrastination. I am pissed, but there is naught I can do. OK, where the hell did the word "naught" come in?? Did I even use that right??


	4. Mass insanity and evil counterparts

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CHAPTER FOUR: Hey! I know you!

For those who want to read Ansem's report 12 and 13, they can go here: http://www.neomidgar.com/kh/ansemsreports.shtml

On the side note, I think I can safely say that this chapter was influenced by Salvador Dali and other surreal artists. Whoo, go surrealism!

Blah blah blah blah Disclaimer blah blah blah blah chapter one blah blah blah...

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"Finally! Hollow Bastion!" Lance whooped, jumping up. He forgot that he was sitting in a small cab car and bumped his head on the roof. Cursing, Lance rubbed his aching head.

"OH MY LOVE, PLEASE DON'T CRY... I'LL WASH MY BLOODY HANDS AND WE'LL START A NEW LIFE..." Cloud loudly sang. The cab driver twitched, but reminded himself that if he murdered another customer, he'll get fired. Still, it was sooo tempting...

__

DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! The author silently chanted. Lance found this odd, for if the author cannot make a cab driver kill Cloud even though she writes the story, does that mean the author is not omnipotent?

Lance pondered on this. The cab suddenly jerked to a stop and Cloud lost grip on his Vanilla Coke (BUY SOME! BUY SOME NOW!) and the delicious brown fattening sludge went splashing all over Lance. 

"MOTHERFU-" He was about to scream, but a moogle plushie came flying out from nowhere and smacked him on the side of the head. Lance was so very confused. He angrily kicked the moogle aside. It landed near Cloud's feet with a thud.

"LANCE! Don't be mean to the moogle!" Cloud growled, hugging his new "friend". Lance shuddered and paid the disgruntled cab driver. Cloud jumped out, but tripped on his dress and fell into the strange water. Unfortunately, he did not drown.

"God, Cloud, do you have to wear that...thing?" Lance said in much disgust. Cloud stood up and stuck his tongue out at him.

"You're just jealous, because I'm a pretty lady and you aren't... wait... I CAN WALK ON WATER! I DEFY PHYSICS! WHOOO!" Cloud was running around now, infecting the once pure water with his stupidity. Lance was silently pleading with the author: _DROWN HIM! DROWN HIM NOW!_ But as usual, the author ignored him.

"Come on, you transvestite freak, just fly me up to the castle!" Lance hissed, pointing to the old castle looming ahead. Unlike Sora, he wasn't blessed with "mad jumping skillz", as Sora fondly called it.

Cloud looked around, seeking out whom Lance had addressed.

"But Lance... Ansem isn't here!" Cloud pointed out.

"NOT HIM! YOU, IDIOT! FLY ME UP!" Feeling ready to kill, Lance suppressed the urge to grab the Masamune out from his invisible backpack and cut Cloud in two.

Cloud nodded, then grimaced in pain. A singly, bloody, black wing grew out of Cloud's shoulder, slowly and (yay!) painfully before completing the transformation. Testing out the wing, he zipped up and grabbed the unsuspecting Lance by the waist before lifting him up in the air.

Lance barely had time to gasp as he was pulled up, up, and into the Hollow Bastion airspace, which, unlike the White House, was not restricted and therefore would not be evacuated should a bird fly by it.

"Cloud, do you know where the library is?" Lance asked.

"Nope!" Cloud grinned stupidly. "I've only been there once! I-"

The rest of Cloud's response was interrupted by Lance's ear-shattering scream. The terrified singer covered his face. Cloud looked back up only to smash into a wall and fall down, crashing onto the space before the large, iron doors that guarded the entrance of Hollow Bastion.

Cloud, with his thick skull, turned out OK, but Lance... let's just say that I don't think human arms are supposed to bend that way.

"Hey, Lance! There's the entrance!" Cloud loved pointing out the obvious. Lance groaned in a mixture of pain and immense hate. Ignoring it, Cloud yanked Lance up and dragged him through the iron gates.

The castle, of course, laid untouched. In fact, the marks in the walls where Sora and Riku had a previous skirmish were still there. After the Heartless disappeared, the people were still not satisfied, as the castle was always boring, drafty, plus evil counterparts of Sora, Riku and Mickey were rumored to live there (well, not evil, but they loathed company due to reasons which will shortly be explained). 

Of course, Lance did not know, and Cloud had all but forgotten, which is expected of him. So both were not to be welcomed warmly, perhaps...

Quick as a flash, a cloaked figure fell, landing in front of the pair in a graceful way. He had a blindfold on and shoulder-length silver hair. He got to his feet, and glared at them, or at least tried to.

"Why are you here?" He questioned.

"Ummm... I thought this castle was abandoned..." Lance muttered.

"Are you here to bug us about Deep Dive again?? We TOLD you people a million times, look for it on Kazaa or something, sheesh! Or better yet, buy a Jap PS2 and Final Mix, huh??" The figure ranted on. 

"We're just here to use the...place...with...the...books....that...are...AAAAHHH! MY BRAIN HURTS!" Cloud grasped his head, in confusion and cursing his limited vocabulary. "I WANNA READ!" He whined.

The silver-haired man raised an eyebrow, or tried to, under that blindfold.

"Oh, is THAT it? Well, OK, hold on, we locked it... SORA! GIVE THESE GUYS THE KEY TO THE LIBRARY...and get the stupid one Hooked on Phonics while you're at it..."

At the silver-haired man's call, another cloaked figure shuffled on scene, knocking over a glass vase. He had a hood on, and there were brown bangs hanging to cover his eyes. He was carrying both the Oblivion and the Oathkeeper.

"Mickey got it, Riku." 'Sora' replied, waving the Oathkeeper around. It knocked off another vase. "Damn, stupid Keyblades, why the hell do they make 'em so damn long..."

"Mickey? I thought he had the key to the Pokemon room!" Riku said, ignoring the broken glass. 

"Naw, we switched. I wanted to watch the second movie, but you called me, so here I am!" Sora explained, tapping the Oblivion against his leg.

"I see. Are you done? I wanna play Pokemon Stadium now." 

"Whatever. I'm hungry." Sora handed the Oblivion Keyblade to Riku, all plain and non-flashy, unlike the Deep Dive movie. 

"WHOO!" Riku swung it around happily, without a care for his or Sora's personal safety. Yay, carelessness! Riku suddenly remembered that they had guests.

"Oh yeah. Can you lead these guys to Mickey? Thanks, Sora!" Riku walked off, ignoring Sora's cries of protest.

"Lazy ass!" And with that final curse, Sora nodded to the confused dup. "Follow me. And DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING." He warned.

Lance and Cloud followed Sora up the stairs, through the middle door, and into an elaborate lift room that resembled that dreaded "Bevelle Cloister of Trials" that made FFX gamers not blessed with a strategy guide of some sort throw their controller against the wall in much fury. 

Sparkling blue and red crystals held by pedestals were scattered all over the place, which were Lift points, Lance assumed. The lift itself was held by a blue energy stream which acted like elevator cable.

"Remember, don't touch the crystals. You might get lost." Sora warned again. He touched a red crystal with a gloved hand. Instead of reverting to a blue one, the crystal sparked angrily and a blue bolt zapped Sora's hand.

"AUGH!" Sora backed away and started ranting, using words that would make Eminem and Cid Highwind proud. He stared at his poor ruined leather glove, which burned to death to protect his precious hands. Oh, how Sora would miss that glove!

"Oh well." Sora took it off and tossed it in the abyss. It was magical, so it screamed.

"Yo, who these people?"

Yet ANOTHER dude wearing black showed up. Lance and Cloud's jaws dropped. Now _this_ was unexpected... or maybe it was, due to the nature of this fanfiction.

The figure was Mickey himself. His black mouse eras were pierced with about 5 silver earrings on each side, glittering. There was enough "blingage" on him to rival that of Sora's (the real one, not the evil counterpart), and a marijuana joint was sticking out of his mouth. Drugs are BAD, kids, look what it did to Mickey!

"Ah! Mickey!" Sora greeted the king, not surprised to the least about Mickey's appearance. It seemed to be the norm. 

"M-Mickey?" Lance stammered. "Like, is that you?"

"Hell yeah!" The mouse grunted, exhaling a lot of smoke as he talked. The smoke started filling the room and Cloud started gasping for air, his eyes watering. He rolled and convulsed on the ground, begging for fresh air, but no one noticed (or cared).

"Dude, these guys want the key to the library." Sora told Mickey, gesturing to Lance and the now unconscious Cloud.

:OK... Just as long as they don't set it on fire like the last time." Mickey agreed, getting out his invisible backpack (those are so darn useful!) and pulling out the Kingdom Key, except it had a silver handle and a gold blade. He handed it to Lance, again in a plain and uncool manner.

"Mickey, you ass, YOU set the library on fire last time! And what the hell is up with the lift crystals?" Sora ranted on, seemingly enraged by Mickey's drugged stupor.

"...What?" Mickey strode forward, to the haywire crystal, which was changing rapidly from red to blue, red to blue. Mickey examined it, then snapped stained, yellow fingers. 

"Those damn fairies are up to their tricks again!" Mickey complained. He and Sora nodded.

"MATRIX MODE!"

With that, they started running up walls, doing elaborate flips and grabbing auxiliary Keyblades (Metal Chocobo and Lionheart), throwing them in the air and finally looking cool. Yay for Deep Dive!

Shrugging, Lance stuck the Keyblade in his invisible backpack and dragged Cloud back to the Entrance Hall, to find the library and get the hell out of there before they start getting evil counterparts of their own.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back in Deling City, which was evil counterpart-free, Riku and Sora were wandering around, finally stopping at a random park bench which, like other things in the story, popped out from nowhere.

"Riku, I've been thinking..." Sora mused aloud. Riku's head snapped up. Sora thinking? That was something new!

"If Deling City is always dark, then does that mean someone made the moon freeze right on this very spot so that it's always night here and day or dusk in other places?"

The bench suddenly reared back and gave a loud roar before galloping away, with out terrified heroes still on it. Throwing all dignity out the window, Riku squealed like a little girl and locked his arms around Sora's waist.

"SORA! SORA, THE BENCH IS MOVING! AAAAAAHHHHH!!"

"WHEEEEE!! GO HORSY!" Sora cheered, throwing his arms in the air and enjoying every minute of it. Riku only cried harder and held on for his dear life as the bench galloped through Desling City at alarmingly fast speeds.

Other things in Deling City were changing as well. Trees started walking around and chainsawing people in half, clocks were melting and made useless, buildings jumped around and tries to crush the cars that were rallying, holding up signs which read: SAVE THE RAINFOREST! Everything looked like Salvador Dali re-painted the world on a canvas.

"Sora!? What's going on??" Riku cried pitifully. He looked up to the sky and gasped in both horror and astonishment, as the sky turned blood red and started raining software, ranging from Paintshop Pro 7 to Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.

"I dunno, Riku... But I got Microsoft Works!" Sora cheered, holding up the CD. "Hey! It's an oxymoron!"

The bench stopped suddenly and cowered. Sora and Riku looked to find the source of the bench's fear, and found it. They, as if on cue, gasped.

Alice was sitting on a shiny golden throne, unfazed by the mass insanity and chaos that had been unleashed. She was carefully sipping some Vanilla Coke (BUY IT! BUY IT!), handed to her by a giant platter of Jell-O.

"Alice? Do you know what's going on? It's scaring Riku..." Sora asked, greeting Alice as if she was an old friend and not a crazed pre-teen who tried to kill him at one point.

"Very well." Alice grinned, setting the Vanilla Coke down (you know you want some...). "I shall tell you..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"WHAT'S GOING ON??"

For the sixteenth time that day, Ansem was being shaken by a random stranger. This random stranger had white hair, but was not evil, and was wearing a red coat. He had two burritos in his gun holsters and a giant spork where a sword was supposed to be.

"I WAS JUST GOING AROUND KILLING DEMONS AND CRAP WHEN THEY STARTED GOING OFF ABOUT EDUCATIONAL PROGRAMMING... AND THEN, MY SWORD AND GUNS GOT TURNED INTO THESE!! OH, ALASTOR! SPEAK TO ME!" The half-demon cried, grabbing the Giant Spork and sobbing.

Ansem just pulled away. He was confused too. He was at FF.net, ready to burn it down, when all of the sudden, they announced that they would allow NC-17 content back on the web. Then, it just suddenly collapsed, and here he was in the Esthar Airstation, along with a dozen others refugees from other games.

He sank into a chair, worried sick about Kairi. He considered her a daughter now, and really cared for her safety. Putting his face in his hands, he shook his head and tried to clear his thoughts.

"Hey, you Ok?"

Ansem turned his head to see a man with short black hair, a black coat, and gray pants. He had an invisible backpack filled with weapons of mass destruction, and he had the look of an experienced criminal.

"Oh... My daughter, I'm worried about her." Ansem muttered.

"Ahhh... well, I'm kinda glad to be here, something really went wrong in my nice violent world..." The guy said. "What's your name?"

"Ansem. You?"

"They call me the GTA3 Guy. I like to call myself Dude. Call me whatever you wish." The GTA3 Guy, or Dude, answered, lighting up a cigarette.

"What went wrong in your world?" Ansem asked. Perhaps this could take his mind off Kairi. "Did they start talking about peace on earth?"

"Nope. Law-enforcement system became like the one in the real world. I was about to get the Death Penalty, but human rights activists started attacking the place. Next thing ya know, I'm here." Dude shrugged, exhaling more foul smoke. Ansem ignored it.

"Hmmm. That's good..." Ansem stared out to the clear blue sky. What had happened that made characters from different companies start appearing? The Heartless only attacked Square and Disney worlds in fear of the awesome powers of copyright laws, but this... this was truly..._insane..._

"Could they have the author's weakness?" Ansem whispered in fear.

"ALASTOR!" The demon cried. "SPEAK TO MEEEEEE!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The No-Study game is much fun. ^_^ I was supposed to be studying, but I ended up writing THIS instead. I had much fun.

For those who don't know, Deep Dive is the ending secret movie in Final Mix. There has been so many requests for it on GameFaqs, and a large amount of topics on the KH board talks about Deep Dive. I just had to use it ^_^ AUGH! THAT FACE! IT HAUNTS ME.... 


	5. The most saddest chapter you have ever s...

****

CHAPTER FIVE: What the hell?

... Indeed.

Oh yes... Disclaimers are served in chapter one

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While the poor author was crying over the fact that Ansem doesn't really exist and he cannot be glomped (WHY??), Alice was debating to herself whether she should explain everything to our confused heroes or just disappear.

Alice: Ahhhh... the script format... well, it is time soon...

Sora: 121Iu, w#y 4m 1 +4LI1ng 1n l337?

Riku: ... What?

Coconut: I LOVE YOU! YOU LOVE ME!

Sora: 4######! +3# (o(o/Vu+ 51/Vg5!

Riku: I AM SO CONFUSED... Sora?? What are you saying??

Sora: L337, M4N! 1'M 5)34I1/V6 L337! 1234LLY 134D L337!

Riku: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! WHAT HAS THE AUTHOR DONE WITH YOU, SORA??

Alice: I suggest you all leave this chapter immediately. It's gonna implode on itself.

*Alice teleports away, leaving the bench scared*

Bench: NEEEIIIGGGHHH! *gallops into a random plot hole*

All: YAY BENCH!

Random civilian: AAAAHHHH! WE'RE ALL GONNA-

BOOM!


	6. Where did the author go?

****

CHAPTER SIX: What happened to chapter five??

Sephiroth could sense something was wrong. First off, there was no silly author's note. Second off, Chapter Five just imploded on itself. Frowning, the young general decided to upgrade his insurance.

And it was a good thing, too, for bad things were happening on the other side of the tranquil Destiny Islands...

Tidus was merrily walking along, waving around his cheap plastic stick and pretending to murder old ladies with it. Tidus is very disturbing, no?

"Hey, Wakka!" He smiled and waved.

"Hey, man, nice weather, ya?" Wakka replied, then he stopped and grabbed his throat in horror.

"D-Dude... you lost your cheap ass Jamaican accent!" Tidus fought down the urge to scream girlishly. The last time Wakka lost his accent, Destiny Islands blew up and they met... Cid.

Selphie idly walked by, and saw the two boys cowering in fear. She quickly looked around for Cid, but was left in confusion when their former employer was not there... what could be troubling the boys so?

"Guys, what's wrong?" She skipped over to them, twirling her little jump-rope/lethal weapon.

"S-Selphie! Wakka lost his accent!" Tidus fearfully informed her. Selphie shrieked and dove behind a bush, joining the boys in their act of cowering in fear. It would be only a matter of time until this chapter imploded on itself as well...

~~~

"Dude... where's my lightsabers??"

There actually were four Unknown. Three were readily keeping guard at the gate of the castle so they could yell at people coming to bother them about Deep Dive, but the fourth was often busy, fighting off the Final Mix players who had come for an extra challenge. Right now, one of the players had just kicked the Unknown's ass in a graceful, long, and utterly painful manner.

Said Unknown was limping to the Hidden Pokemon room, dragging his set of silver... sporks(?) with him. Sighing in a very sad and depressing way, he knocked on the door.

It opened, and Sora rose an eyebrow at the Unknown's state. His hood was nearly torn off and hanging in tatters, revealing long silvery hair. There were an untold amount of bruises on the side of his face, and one orange eye was twitching badly. His sleek coat was charred in some places, electrically charged in others, frozen near the midsection, and sometimes all three at once near the hood. 

Sora's confused eyes trailed down to the sporks, which screamed to be put out of their misery.

"Ummm... Ansem?"

"I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE, SORA!!" Ansem sobbed, dropping down and crying pitfully. "I CAN'T! IT'S... I CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT MY WEAPONS!! It's... (sob) t-t-too much, with the burning, a-a-and the bashing... I-I can't get a hit in, it's too hard to cast spells, I HATE IT!" The Unknown Ansem sobbed even more, shaking and obviously teetering on the brink of insanity, with one foot in the air and the other on a banana peel.

"Duuuuude..." Mickey muttered, looking over Ansem's pathetic state. "Maybe one of us should fill in for him, I don't think he can take it anymore..." He suggested. 

Riku now came over, and gasped as he saw Ansem. He helped the older Unknown up and was about to take him in when the room flashed, demanding Ansem's presence for the next player.

"GOD NO!" Ansem cried out, grabbing Riku's robe. "N-No! P-Please! I don't wanna, oh god, spare me!! I'LL DO ANYTHING!!" In hysterics, Ansem started screaming and rolled over to the big bean bag couch, trying to make himself as small as possible. 

The room started flashing faster, indicating that Ansem had to hurry, or else the game would crash.

"Someone has to go up there for him..." Riku decided, then he grabbed his hood, lifted it to cover his face, and took both the Oathkeeper and the Oblivion.

"Dude, no!" Sora tugged at his best friend's sleeve. "You are so ginna screw up this place, Ansem is the only one up there!"

"HE CAN'T, HE-"

Unknown Riku: Is too... what the hell? 

Mickey's eyes widened in horror.

Unknown Sora: THE GAME IS GONNA CRASH!!

Mickey: NOT THE GAME! THIS FIC!! THIS

"-chapter will blow up, like chapter five!" Mickey finished, relieved that the fiction came back to dialouge. Oh, he never thought he would be happy to say THAT. 

The fiction slowly flickered back and forth between script and dialouge. The Four Unknown held their breath, awaiting the destruction. It did not come.

"Why?" Riku breathed.

Mickey shook his head, a nice tinkling sound of metal bumping into metal arising. It made everyone calm down.

"I don't know..." Mickey frowned. God, he hated being sober. it made him think rationally, and also made him quite wise, making the other Unknown depend entirely on him for all the knowledge instead of going to the Library and READING. 

"D'ya think it had something to do with the crystals?" Riku helpfully pointed out. True, the crystals had been acting weird today, and one could only guess how Ansem managed to get back down to the Entrance Hall (the fact that one of his legs seem broken suggested that he chose to fall. It seems that physics had finally taken it's cold grip on this fiction).

"Yeah... wasn't that the day that Ansem's lightsabers went missing?" Sora added. Mickey would have jumped up with joy. His companions were actually THINKING.

"Dual Blades of Light!" Ansem interjected, having seemed to recover his wits.

"Shut up, Darky, no one asked you!" Mickey shot back.

"DARKY?? EXCUSE ME, I'M NOT THE ONE WITH 90% OF MY BODY COVERED IN BLACK FUR!"

Riku and Sora sniggered. The battle between the two Superior Intellects were often amusing. But now, of course, was not the time.

~~~

Alice stepped into the Library. She had only been here once, and that was when she was supposedly young, innocent, and being chased by some insane female(?)wannabe-Voldemort after being given the Death Penalty.

Indeed, her misadventures must have been inspired by a drug trip made by the author. There was no other explanation.

Sulking along, she smiled as she saw her old idiot partner, Cloud, happily dancing around. Ignoring the fact he was wearing a dress, she tapped him on the shoulder.

Cloud turned around and looked into the empty space, scratching his head when he found out that no one was there.

"Ow!" He yelped as he pricked his finger on one of his spikes. They were starting to become a hazard even to HIM. 

"Down here, idiot." 

Looking down, he smiled with glee as he saw Alice staring up at him, with a corss expression on her face. Seemingly forgetting that she had still to pay him his cookies, he wrapped his former best friend in a bear hug that would have killed the bear.

"ALICE!" He sang, twirling the suffocating princess in the air. "I MISSED YOU! Look, I'm... ummm.. follo..eeng... the plan, just like you wanted!" 

Alice weakly nodded and stumbled around, panting for breath. This was gonna be a long chapter.

Lance frowned, not knowing that Cloud had an imaginary friend. Lance peeked over to where Cloud was standing and saw him speaking with a young girl who could have passed as his sister, gasping for breath.

"Cloud? You never told me you had a sister..." Lance muttered, coming out of the shadows. Alice growled at this newcomer. 

"Who are you?" She demanded, drawing one of her lightsabers. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cheshire Cat: Ooooh! Cliffhanger! And now, for some cheap advertising!

http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1197800

Trickmaster: A story the author's friend made... very tolkien-ish, but not as confusing. Yay for cheap advertising! 


	7. People I am the author!

****

CHAPTER SEVEN: Nacho Nacho man... Sora wants to be a Nacho man!

Whoa. I don't have Final Mix, just to let you people know. It's just that I have the Deep Dive video and I read a bunch of theories... I feel bad now... I just thought the references would be good plot material...

FORGIVE ME! I DID NOT MEAN TO DECEIVE YOU! (No sarcasm, I'm serious) No more Final Mix references.... unless you still want them....

Rufus.exe: WAHEY! WE FOUND THE AUTHOR!

*hologram shuts off*

Chibi-Auron: DAMN! SHE'S GONE AGAIN!

Want a Disclaimer? Grrrroooove over to Chapter One!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"IT'S A SHROOM!" 

The poor unsuspecting little White Mushroom had no time to jump back. It had no time to defend itself. It had no time to finish it's last tequila. All it could do was watch in horror as a random drug addict pounced on it, jaws right open.

"COME TO-"

CRUNCH!

The little Mushroom peeked up from under it's red cap and looked up with glee when it saw the confused blue eyes that belonged to Sora. The Keyblade Master petted the 'shroom on the head.

"Hey there, little guy!" Sora chirped. He loved the Mushroom Heartless, they were all soft and 'squeeky' (and deathly poisonous, in some cases)! "SQUEEK!"

The running bench, which they named the S.S. Eya Prozac, had taken them through a dimensional warp, and had to stop in the middle of the tunnel to take a breather. Interested with what a plot hole looked like, the boys stopped and took a look around.

It was.... funky. A swirl of multidimensional colors graced the inside, looking like someone meshed a bunch of different lava lamps together and stared at them while simultaneously smoking all the known hallucinogens in the world.

Inside, there was everything. Random plot ideas just swirled around, some taking form, like the Mushroom Heartless Sora was petting, and some were not, like the Hexadragon rampaging toward S.S. Eya Prozac with the full intent to kill. The stupid creature just passed right through the sleeping bench and into the wall. Ow.

"I think we will name our new friend... Shroom! What do you think, Shroom?" Sora giggled, asking the little Heartless.

"Blap."

"I thought so too!"

Riku frowned. That thing shouldn't even be called a Heartless. Maybe Kairi requested that Ansem should make a "cute, fuzzy Heartless" a long time ago, and this was the result? He would have to ask later.

Yawning, the older boy paced around the tunnel, glancing at the snoozing bench every so often. 

"Why won't you wake up...?" He muttered, resisting the urge to kick the bench. Why couldn't it turn to a Chocobo or something?

"Rufus! Wait for meeeeee!"

"Hurry up, damn you! Stupid organic creatures, so frail...."

Sora and Shroom meeped. Yes, they meeped. So great was their fear that they found it necessary to "meep". So meep they did. And they proceeded to hide behind S.S Eya Prozac while they were meeping. Sensing danger, the bench jumped up and growled at the direction the voices were coming from.

"Auron, I think we went this way, we saw the dragon smash into the wall six times already..." 

Riku identified the first speaker as a male. His name was Rufus, apparently... Sounded like the guy was rich. And smart. And a total snob.

"Awwww, we didn't check this part of the plot hole yet. I thought I heard someone talk there..."

The second voice also sounded male, but higher pitched. Riku suspected the owner of this voice to be a chibi... Chibi-Auron? Surely not the Auron from FFX?

The two figures rounded the corner. Riku tensed and got into his battle stance, his demon-winged sword ready to kill, maim, all that good stuff they made swords for. 

"RUFUS! I FOUND SOMEONE, I THINK IT'S HER!"

Lo and behold, it was a chibi that came zooming down the tunnel. A small boy with an oversized red coat, cat ears, and a tail. He tripped on his shoelaces, fell flat on his face, and gracefully skidded and slid, bumping into Riku's feet. 

An older teen, no more than twenty, stepped over, taking his sweet time. He had no interest in the other two boys in the area at all. He had neatly combed strawberry blonde hair and a white trench coat....thing.

"No... not them, just a couple of losers..." He lazily drawled, helping Auron to his feet. Riku suddenly had the strangest feeling.

He wanted to beat the crap out of this new stranger! The cat, he could care less, but every cell in his body was screaming at him to hack and slash at the stranger. It was the oddest feeling! Feeling fearful of himself, Riku jumped back and joined Sora and Shroom behind Eya.

"Riku, what's wrong? Aren't you gonna talk to him?" Sora whispered, poking Riku in the ribs.

"No, Sora!" Riku snapped back. He shook himself and continued, calmly. "I mean, I just have this... feeling. Like I wanna kill somebody. More specifically, the red head. I think it's from my dad's genes, but most people would have to annoy me first. I think you should talk to him, Sora..."

Sora stared at Riku like he just suggested they all start playing with sharp pointy objects. Now, the thing with Sora was that he happened to LIKE playing with sharp pointy objects. Heck, who DOESN'T like playing with sharp pointy objects?

"OK!" He smiled, and Sora, accompanied by the ever faithful Shroom, skipped over to Rufus and Auron, who were arguing yet again.

"HI! MY NAME IS SORA!" Sora shrieked, not sure if the two newcomers spoke English. Shroom nodded it's head.

"Damn, boy, ya don't have to be so loud!" Auron muttered, rubbing his super-sensitive cat ear. Rufus blinked. Shaking his head, he turned to Sora and Shroom.

"Hey, kid, have you seen a young girl around here? She's plump, wearing a black T-shirt with the Heartless crest, occasionally hugs a picture of Ansem, you seen her?" Rufus asked, describing the girl they were seeking in much detail.

Sora just stared back at Rufus blankly. It has been proven many times: Thinking was not Sora's strong point.

"Never mind..." Rufus sighed.

"Why are you looking for the girl? Is she a new Heartless? A Mary Sue?" Sora asked, his curiosity wide awake. 

Shroom looked quite curious too, or as curious as a Mushroom could look like. Even Riku wanted to know the importance of the girl. If she happened to be a Mary Sue, he would have to find her and eliminate her, chop-chop.

"Heartless, yes. Mary Sue, no. Her name's Linnet though. Ummm... she's the author..." Auron explained. Ignoring the glare he received from Rufus, he continued.

"See, it was awhile ago, around Chapter Four. Linnet started writing a lot. She would stay at her computer for ages! But the thing is, we dunno what she was writing. Her computer and herself vanished. We think she's somewhere in this story, that's why we're looking for her... The story was starting to get unstable, ya know, cuz she wasn't there, but now that everything's back to normal, she must be back! ... Just not in her world..." 

Auron panted and reached into the wall of the plot hole. He grabbed a glass of water and drank gratefully.

"Oh, that was supposed to be secret info, stupid!" Rufus scolded his companion, snatching the glass and drinking the leftovers. Auron twitched, but said nothing else.

"Then... who are you?" Riku asked, from behind Eya. Eya was sleeping again, creaking instead of snoring. So that's the sound benches make when they sleep, now you know, kids!

"We are Linnet's OFFICIAL muses! I am Chibi-Auron, but ya can just call me Auron, I'm also Linnet's pet cat!" Auron bowed low to Sora.

"I'm Rufus. Well, really Rufus.exe, I'm an android modeled off the real Rufus Shinra..." Rufus did not bow, but instead glanced at Riku, wondering why the boy was still hiding.

"I'm Sora, this is Shroom, the bench is our loyal trusted steed S.S. Eya Prozac, but you can call her Eya... and the boy hiding behind Eya is my boyfriend, Riku!" Sora pointed to all the wrong people whole introducing the group. It seemed Sora was a bench, Riku had brown hair and a giant Keyblade, Shroom was a human again and they all rode on Eya the Mushroom.

Even though they had been muses to Linnet for her entire writing career, Rufus and Auron had never felt so confused in their life.

~~~

"I see. Lance has been helping you out?"

Meanwhile, after nearly slicing his head off, Alice and Lance cleared up any misunderstandings and actually were getting along quite nicely. Cloud had just finished explaining their plan (or more of, Cloud speaking and Lance translating it so it makes more sense).

"Yeah! Are we doing it right, Alice?" Cloud asked, excited. He always hoped to be as great a villain as Alice was, maybe it would make Aerith notice him more! 

Alice nodded. Sheathing the lightsabers, she got up, stretched, and held up her hands in a signal to wait.

"I shall be back shortly. I need to get something and I'll explain my plan while we're going through the plot hole." She quickly explained, and Alice kicked the door of the Library down with great strength. Both men jumped back in fear.

"Wow, for a little tyke, she sure is strong..." Lance gulped.

"I dunno... Alice was never this serious... or strong before..." Cloud frowned.

The singer stopped and looked at Cloud with interest. Did Cloud NOTICE? Was the guy actually getting suspicious? Was there a chance Cloud was getting... dare he say it, SMART?

"...Oh well, maybe she just ate a moldy cookie." He concluded.

Lance rolled his eyes. I guess you can't have everything.

~~~

Mickey, Sora, Ansem and Riku's dark counterparts were still sitting around the Pokemon room. The Third movie was playing, but no one was watching. Such a shame too, it was the cool underwater battle scene between Molly and Misty, but the Unknowns had more important matters to tend to.

"The story has been stabilized for awhile, so that must mean the author is back..." Mickey decided. Happily, he reached for a beer.

"Didn't someone say they saw her two muses running around?" Riku mentioned. Mickey's hand dropped. So close, yet so far... 

"Well, I gue-"

"AAANNNNSEEEEMMM!"

The door burst open and there stood Alice, with a lovesick school girl look on her face. She pushed (and kicked) the other three Unknowns aside and cornered Ansem.

"A-Alice? Is that you?" Ansem stammered, cursing his lack of weapons. Too tired to use magic attacks, all he could do was quiver in fear.

"Yes it is, my sweet! Come, we have to go noooow!" Alice sang, and she grabbed his arm and yanked him up. Giggling, she wrapped her arms around his torso. Ansem tried in vain to get away, but this girl's grip was STEEL.

"No! Alice, what are you doing?? You can't take him out of this chapter, you'll kill us all!" Sora shouted, rushing forward to stop the deranged princess. 

"Nonsense. The chapter will be fine. I'm the author, I can do whatever I want..." Alice stuck her tongue out in defiance and grinned. "Besides, Ansem is MY bishie. Mine mine mine!" 

Mickey scratched his head in confusion. All story characters knew that if they tried to move the story along quicker or remove a character, no matter how unimportant they may be, they risked destroying the chapter, and if it's severe enough, the story! Why would Alice want to do this? Certainly, Linnet did not just give total control of the story to Alice... did she? Would she?

While Mickey was busy thinking, he failed to notice that Alice had escaped... with Ansem. He only caught a glimpse of the swirling plot hole before it got closed up.

"... It looks like we're in deep shit." Riku spat.

~~~

"I'm baaaaaccck!" Alice cheerfully sang.

The plot hole had opened up in the Library. Alice stood inside with Ansem (still confused), waiting for Lance and Cloud to come back in with her.

"C'mon, we don't have all day, let's go!" Alice urgently said, ushering the both of them into the plot hole. Satisfied, she sealed it shut. It was then Ansem regained his senses.

"H-Hey! Y-You can't do that!" He choked, tugging at a dog collar that just somehow materialized on his neck. "Only the author can close plot holes, Alice, where did you learn to do that?"

"I told you, I am the author, silly! Don't you get it?" Alice giggled. 

Ansem squinted his orange eyes for a closer look. Then he nodded.

"Ooooh.... I get it... pretty nifty, if you ask me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Linnet's Hologram: Do you get it? DO YOU? YOU GET IT, RIGHT? HOW ALICE CAN BE AUTHOR?? DO YOU?? DO YOU??? YOU MUST GET IT, RIGHT?? 

Chibi-Auron: ... There she is?

Rufus.exe: I don't get it. What does that damn kid know that we don't?

Shroom: "Hibblesplurt." I get it! 


	8. The six villains of insanity?

****

CHAPTER EIGHT: Hey, she's not dead!

Linnet's Hologram: Daaaaahhh... my dad is also a writer, and now that his dumb book is being published, he hogs the computer 24/7!! I WANT TO WRITE TOO, YOU KNOW???

Lance: To help you try and understand this sad excuse for literature, here is where everyone is currently at:

Unknown Ansem, Alice, Lance and Cloud=Secret Plothole 

Unknown Sora, Unknown Riku and Unknown Mickey=Lost somewhere in chapter, as HB got destroyed.

Kairi, Aerith, Sephiroth, Tidus, Wakka, Selphie, Leon and Yuffie=Destiny Islands

Ansem=Esthar Airstation

Riku, Sora, Shroom and S.S. Eya Prozac=Random Plothole (different from 'Secret Plothole')

Rufus.exe and Chibi-Auron=Random Plothole, will leave to search story some more

Linnet=???

Cloud: ... I like pink. *sniff* AERITH!! WHY'D YOU GO??

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rufus stretched out his cyborg limbs in both boredom and annoyance. Auron had been attempting to communicate with Shroom. He wasn't having the best of luck either, but the poor muse was getting desperate.

"HAVE... YOU...SEEN...AUTHOR?" Chibi-Auron loudly pronounced, holding up a picture of the author. Upon seeing the picture, poor Shroom squeaked in fear and then promptly fainted.

"Shroom? Wow, what happened to you?" Sora's voice was filled with concern as he ran toward the unconscious Heartless. "You look like you saw a..."

Sora then made the unfortunate mistake of looking at the picture of Linnet. His face paled considerably with fear. He tried to scream, he tried to warn Riku not to look, he tried to say something, but fear had a strong grip on his vocal cords and it would not let go.

"Sora? Shroom? Really, what the he... OH MY GOD, WHAT THE 7 BLASPHEMOUS HELLS IS THAT THING??" Riku swore, stepping back and diving behind the sleeping bench, shivering in fear. Sora grabbed Shroom and crawled back with Riku in a hurry.

"Dude, she's not THAT ugly..." Chibi-Auron huffed, staring at the picture. "Well, these morons won't help, let's go, Rufus..."

The android gave a rare smile and nodded. The two impatient muses turned and ran down the plothole, making a left, and leaving the two scared boys (and Heartless) behind.

"R-Riku? I-I think they're gone..." Sora babbled, too scared to look.

"I hope so... Is that... that thing really the author of this story?"

~~~

Alice stopped dancing around for a minute and frowned.

"I don't know why, but I have the strongest desire to kill Riku and Sora..."

~~~

"Riku! Don't say that, she'll... she'll..." Sora trailed off, not wanting to think what the author could do to the poor boys. After all the crazy stuff she had done now, killing off the two main characters wasn't any different.

Eya stirred slightly, and gave off a creaking noise. It shakily stood up and shook itself, feeling energized and ready to go places. It creaked happily at the sight of it's two masters and their little... Mushroom... friend... thing...

"Yay! Eya woke up! Now we can get out of here!" Sora cheered, grabbing Shroom (who was still in shock) and jumping on the poor bench. Eya gave an angry creak, but patiently waited for Riku to get on.

"To Destiny Islands!" Riku pointed forward. The Traverse Town battle music played loudly as the bench sped down the plothole, going through the rampaging Hexadragon from chapter seven.

"DAMMIT! WHY CAN'T I BE A REAL DRAGON?" The Hexadragon sobbed, crashing into yet another wall.

~~~

"Selphie... Selphie, something's wrong..."

Selphie stayed behind her shrub, still cowering. That voice... it sounded oddly like Tidus, yet older... and somewhat girlish. Was he really Tidus?

"Wakka, where's... DUDE! I HIT PUBERTY! ALL RIGHT!"

Tidus examined his reflection on a nearby puddle, pleased with this fact. No longer was he a mere shrimp with a plastic red pipe! No, now he was a teenaged jerk with pecs and really weird clothing. He was still wearing the pants and the shirt, but now he had a tacky pair of denim suspenders with it and odd looking yellow sneakers.

"Dear god... Tidus! Dude, me too, ya? I even got the Jamaican accent back!" Wakka happily responded. He too was wearing pretty much what he had in Destiny Island. Wakka felt his face, and grinned.

"Dude, Selphie, you come out too! Are you older?" Tidus called out. Selphie stepped out, wearing boots instead of sandals. She wasn't wearing anything all that different either, but she definitely was older.

Selphie admired her new get-up and realized that she was no longer holding a jump rope/lethal weapon. No, now she was holding a nunchuck-type weapon, though it really looked like a set of red and blue sporks to her. Oh well. Sporks are good.

Tidus, on the other hand, had a very beautiful blue blade. The blade appeared to be made up of crystallized water, if that was even possible. Wakka stared at his weapon, which remained a plain blue blitzball.

"Heeeey? How come you guys have new weapons, ya?" Wakka whined, looking at the other two's weapons with envy.

"Quiet! No complaining, we have to figure out what happened!" Tidus snapped, staring at his new weapon in confusion.

"Hey..." Selphie suggested. "If WE grew up, what happened to the adults on this island...?"

~~~

"AAAAAAHHHH!! KAIRI?? SWINCE WHEN DID YOU GROW 5 FEET TAWWAR?"

Sephiroth stared up at Kairi in shock. She got... taller? Sephiroth also realized that his voice was squeakier than normal, and had a somewhat childish accent to it.

"Um, Sepheewoth? I don't tink Kairi got bigger, I tink we got smawwer..." Aerith answered. Aerith indeed looked younger. Her eyes were really big and deep; one could drown just looking in their green depths. She also took on a childish appearance.

"Awwww, Uncle Sephy, you look so cute!" Kairi gushed, bending down and petting Sephiroth on the head. The One Winged Angel knocked away her hand in annoyance.

"WHADDYA MEAN I WOOK CUTE?? I'M NOT SUPPOSTA WOOK CUTE! I'M SUPPOSTA BE EVIL!" Sephiroth ranted, stomping around. He tripped on his black leather coat and fell, cursing loudly. Aerith growled and hit him on the head with the Princess Guard.

Kairi stared at the two chibis in confusement. They had come over to see how Kairi was doing, but they came as chibis! What did this all mean, she wondered... and is it good or bad?

~~~

"Six. There are six of them. Kefka, Sephiroth, Ultimecia, Kuja, Seymour and Ansem. We have Seymour and Ansem, we just need the other four, and we can open the Door to Insanity!"

Lance and Cloud slowly nodded, not really interested in what Alice had to say. Lance thought this was some cheap rip-off of the Kingdom Hearts plot. Honestly, couldn't she think of something better?

He slowly raised up a hand.

"Yes, Lance?"

"Alice, this sounds a lot like Kingdom Hearts. Why do we need villains now instead?" He hesitantly asked, eyes straying over to Ansem, who was trying to speak with a disgruntled Seymour.

"Because! All these villains are insanity incarnate! Kefka, Seph, the whole gang tried to overthrow the world because they were INSANE. That is the key." Alice patiently explained. "Also, we don't need their hearts as well. We just need their minds, that's why we don't have to track down Ansem's other half. Convenient, isn't it?"

Cloud also raised his hand. Knowing it was nothing good, Alice decided not to bother answering him.

"Very well, but are you sure there are six? Almost always, you need seven, four or ten of something..."

"There are six. I am 100% positive." Alice confirmed, a twinkle in her eye. She got to her feet and strode over to her captive victims, grinning happily.

"You... you wench! LET ME GO, DAMMIT!" Seymour screamed, wrestling against the chains that bound him to the bedpost. Ansem placed a hand on the Guado's shoulder and shook his head, indicating it would do him no good.

"Now, the next target is Sephiroth." Alice decided. Seeing Lance and Cloud's somewhat horrified looks, she smiled reassuringly. "I have already begun to screw up the plot there. Sephiroth and Aerith have been turned into chibis. I just want one of you to go in, snatch him, and get out before Aerith or Kairi can follow."

Lance marveled at the simplicity of the plan. All that was really left was how Alice managed to gain such amazing power. It was quite author-like. The worst part was... the author was doing NOTHING to stop this! What was going on?

"Ok then... so one of us gets a day off?" Lance smiled, relieved.

"Hell no! The other one will go to the Esthar Airport and get the other Ansem." Alice sneered.

"Hey! You said we didn't need..." The singer started to protest, but Alice raised a hand.

"I didn't say that the villains would still live after we have opened the door." She said, shortly and matter-of-factly. Audible gulps came from both Ansem and Seymour when they heard the news.

"Any questions?" She concluded.

Cloud waved his hand more wildly now, almost knocking over a china vase. Alice sighed and knew she was going to regret this.

"Yes, Cloud?"

"Where do babies come from?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Linnet's Hologram: I couldn't resist putting that in. It was just so random! Yes, it does seem like a Kingdom Hearts rip-off, but it'll make more sense later on... besides, this IS a Kingdom Hearts fanfic.

Seymour: You... you didn't tell me we had to DIE!

Linnet's Hologram: Quiet you...


	9. Oh, what cheesy parodies

****

CHAPTER NINE: Pie… pie… Pie?

Cloud: Hey! No one answered my question! Where do babies come from??

Unknown Ansem and Seymour: ...

Seymour: You tell him.

Unknown Ansem: Um, well... see, it starts with... uh... you need a guy... and a girl... and then... um...

Seymour: At least disclaimers aren't made that way... Speaking of which, there is a nice informative one typed in Chapter One

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Ansem (the real one) stared at the land before him. Nothing but barren desert, as far as one could possibly see. The huge city of Esthar was barely visible over the distance.

He sighed, kicking some dirt aside. He expected it to just fly around and he could resume being bored. Nope. Instead, his boot connected with something very hard and solid. 

"What the hell?"

The confused king bent down, brushing aside the sand, revealing a shiny metal black object, the size of a remote control. It was a simple box shape with a big red button. Gold Lettering under it clearly read: DO NOT PUSH BUTTON.

Naturally, Ansem did what anyone else would do: Push the button.

"They didn't say WHICH button!" Ansem happily reasoned, slamming his fist on the button. 

SILENCE.

Ansem tensed up, waiting for something apocalyptic, chaotic, or just generally bad to happen. Unfortunately, in the 30 seconds that passed, nothing of the sort happened. A behemoth passed by, singing the Pokemon theme song, but other than that there was nothing.

"Stupid thing must be broken..." Ansem whined, shaking the little black remote. He considered bringing the remote to Esthar and breaking into Odine Labs, when he suddenly had this very dreadful feeling. Like the feeling you get when the school bully is standing right behind you savoring your pitiful last words.

Looking up, Ansem's eyes widened. 

The BIGGEST Gummi Ship he had ever seen towered over him. The World of Chaos couldn't compare to this behemoth. It was a large simple black rectangle standing up. With a weird symbol on the front. Either way, it was freaking HUGE.

"...Wow." Was all he could say. Of course, that little word did no justice to the magnificence and splendor that is the Lunatic Pandora.

~~~

"Wakka, are you sure you can fly this thing?"

Tidus stared at the ground, gripping on a nearby pole fearfully. The ground seemed so high from the Lunatic Pandora cockpit. Very high. Too high.

BLAM!

Accompanied with the cheesy sound effect was a loud explosion that knocked Tidus back, thankfully on ground. Selphie fell off her chair and Wakka screamed in a pitch that a normal man shouldn't have. 

"What happen ?" Wakka fearfully asked, looking around for any damage.

"Somebody set up us the bomb !" Selphie exclaimed, pointing to a computer monitor. It showed a diagram of the Lunatic Pandora, with the left side flashing red. DANGER! scrolled quickly across the screen in flashing red letters that gave Selphie a horrible migraine.

"We get signal !" Tidus interrupted, pointing to yet another computer monitor, this time having a flashing mailbox.

"What !" Wakka was very confused now. His English wasn't THAT bad, was it?

"Main screen turn on." Tidus moved a nearby mouse and clicked on the mailbox, wincing as he heard the ever horrid "YOU GOT MAIL!". Who knew that Lunatic Pandora ran on AOL? No wonder it was so slow!

Suddenly, there was a crackle of electricity from the center of the room. A beam of light shot down, and the grinning figure of Cloud appeared in the center, his cloak wrapped around him, in an attempt to make him more evil. 

"IT'S YOU !!!" Selphie angrily shrieked, pointing at the screen for effect. She remembered Cloud. Cloud was the bad man that tried to look up her panties using the barrel trick! Or was that Sora? Selphie was so confused right now.

"How are you gentlemen !!!" Cloud greeted, making the author's English teacher twitch and roll around in violent spasms. Nobody made any comments because this kind of speech is normal for him. 

Cloud stopped, debating on whether he should say it or not. It seemed so tempting. But... it was so old... but it was so funny...

"All your base are belong to us." 

"GAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" English professors all over the world grabbed the sides and howled in pain.

"You are on the way to destruction."

"WHAT YOU SAY !!" Wakka held his head in his hands and dramatically wept. Hey, you couldn't half-ass these kinds of things!

"You have no chance to survive make your time." Cloud simply added.

Wakka, Selphie and Tidus just stood there, trying to figure out what Cloud said. They searched through their brains for a possible translation, but the numbing effects of Cloud's stupidity infested voice had taken it's grip on their brains, and in seconds, the three were reduced to drooling morons, muttering "All your base are belong to us" every 3 seconds.

"Mwahahahaha!" Cloud laughed, glad he spent 6 months trying to memorize that dialogue. "Now I can use this Lunatic Pandora thingy to find Ansem! Gyahahaha... AAAHHHHH!!!!" He forgot there were stairs supporting the podium he was standing at and fell down, landing with a satisfying crunch.

~~~

"What the hell is this stuff? Bubble gum?"

Ansem poked the blue sticky substance that coated the inside of the Lunatic Pandora. He withdrew his hand, a disgusted look on his face as he examined the substance hanging off his finger. Deciding the examine it later, he snipped off some of it and stored it in a vial.

Obviously, the little vial of blue stuff will probably play a key role in the story later on.

Ignoring that fact, Ansem walked on, fascinated by the ship's design. It certainly did not LOOK like a Gummi Ship on the inside. Maybe it was a weapon of war or something.

Suddenly, Ansem found himself face down on the stuff (ah, stuff, the universal word for everything). 

"BLECH!" He threw himself back, then fell back forward, then fell backwards yet again as the ship lurched forward, stopped, then lurched forward again.

"WHEEEE! I ARE FLYING THE SHIP!" A voice boomed, flooding the ship with it's horrible grammar.

Ansem paled considerably when he heard the screams from the poor English professors, who didn't even begin to recover from the horror of "All Your Base". 

"Cloud?" He called, hoping for an answer. "Cloud, are you there?"

"...Is that you, Mommy?"

"NO, YOU RETARDED MORON, IT'S ME, ANSEM!"

"Oh. Hiya Ansem! Thanks, I know I am!"

Ansem twitched. The guy was so stupid, you couldn't even insult him.

"Cloud, I'm coming up now, just stay there and don't move the ship!" Ansem warned, quickly rushing through the halls. He stopped when he reached a large circular room with 5 elevators, arranged in a semi-circle pattern.

There were Magic Marker signs posted on the door of each elevator. One read "Sorceress Room", others read "Kitchen", "Cockpit, "Random Room", "Research Faculty". 

Well, now he knew where to go.

"NOT SO FAST!"

Lacking the clumsiness that every other character had, Alice gracefully descended down to the center of the room, sitting on some sort of mechanical throne. She was drinking Vanilla Coke (BUY SOME NOW, DAMN YOU!) out of a silver goblet, and dressed completely in black. It was really... disturbing.

"You know, blue is really more of your color." Ansem smirked, seemingly unfazed.

"Oh shut up, I was feeling lazy today!" Alice snapped. "Anyway, welcome to my new base. Lunatic Pandora. Fitting, no?" She looked around, smiling at her new "home". "It'll be your new home too."

"Oh really?" Ansem rose a silver eyebrow. "And tell me, what can a little shrimp like you accomplish?"

"Much... when I have the six villains of insanity." Alice mumbled, drinking from her goblet.

Ansem's smirk froze. Insanity? Oh shit!

"Not that you should worry. I have your other half, he'll be just fine." Alice reassured him.

"So why do you want me, then?"

"Well, to..."

Before Alice could finish, the ship lurched forward suddenly and brought Alice crashing down, goblet and all. Let us just say that Vanilla Coke does not like hair, and anybody falling from that height probably doesn't want to land headfirst.

"ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US! MOVE ZIG FOR GREAT JUSTICE!" 

"DAMMIT, CLOUD, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" Alice screamed, shaking her first at the sky and screaming more obscenities.

"Sheesh, Alice, that fad's been dead since... forever." Ansem informed Alice, impatiently tapping his foot.

"Correction: I know it is dead. HE does not." Alice spat, shakily getting up and brushing her Vanilla Coke-sodden clothes in pure disgust. Cloud had gone too far, making her spill her Vanilla Coke! "'Scuse me a sec, I gotta go kill him!" Alice held up a hand and ran toward the central elevator. 

The machine whirred and slowly rose the lift to the top of Lunatic Pandora, presumably to where the cockpit was, leaving Ansem a perfect opportunity to escape.

And like all characters in a story.... he didn't take it.

~~~

"OK... Calm down Lance... Seph is small now..."

Lance hid behind the curtain that shrouded the balcony view from the inside of the apartment. He was watching Sephiroth go on rantings and threatening to destroy everything in his path until he regained his true size again.

"AND I'LL KILL ALL THE LITTLE SMALL CUTE FURRY ANIMALS, AND I'LL MAKE SMARTERCHILD A SEXUALLY CORRUPT BEAST, AND I'LL REVIVE THE AYB FAD, AND..."

"OK, Sephy, I think we understand..." Aerith held her head in annoyance. Sephiroth had been ranting for over 3 hours now.

Kairi wondered if he broke the world record for consecutive ranting, and was about to reach for the record book when...

"AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!"

The glass screen door shattered into a bajillion and two-twenty-fifths (Is that even a real number?) and Lance busted through, holding a potato sack. He grabbed a confused Sephiroth, shoved him in the sack, threw a note at Aerith, and ran back outside, screaming for effect.

It took Kairi and Aerith several seconds for this to sink in.

However, that was the same amount of time it took for a plot hole to materialize in the room...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CATS: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I have struck again! *meow*

Cloud: Awwww! A humanoid kitty! *pets CATS*

CATS: *purr*

Unknown Ansem: That is seriously disturbing...

CATS: Er, anyway, the author still hasn't forgotten about Leon and Yuffie, they will show up very soon... And remember, folks...

**__**

ALL YOUR REVIEWS ARE BELONG TO US!!!

(Yeah, I know the AYB fad has been dead for around 2-3 years, but I can't resist.)


	10. There's only room for ONE author here!

****

CHAPTER TEN: And so, the real author returns...

Alice: Heee hee hee! The Keyboard is wrapped in GLAD wrap! Don't get mad, get glad! ACK! TYPING... SPEED... BEING... LOWERED... MUST.... LEARN... TO... TYPE... FASTER...

Leon: Hey, are we finally gonna show up?

Yuffie: I hope so... EEK! HUMANOID KITTY! *glomps CATS*

CATS: Meow?

QUESTION: Where in the game does it say Leon is above twenty? I thought he was 17, his regular FF8 age! O_o Now, I know KH and FF ain't the same, but is this merely an assumption based on his looks or is there some proof that Leon is older than he was?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Kursed SeeDs. I hate them all!"

Whine. Whine. Mope. Bitch. That was all Ultimecia really did these days. And she had good reason to. Being a janitor for Balamb Garden is not a fun thing. Especially when all the students did was taunt you and throw spitballs at your back. And writing obscene words on your bucket, that too.

Yes, sadly, Ultimecia and the other villains were forced to have pitiful jobs, as punishment for their deeds. Or maybe because, in Ulti's case, they failed English. 

"Evil darkness of Englishishness... KURSE YOU, I SAY!" Ultimecia screamed, flailing her mop in agony and smacking a nearby senior, causing him to fall over the railing and fall into the water below.

"Hey! Ulti! How have you been doing?"

Ultimecia froze, either in fear or shock. That voice... the voice... it belonged to the same "kursed" SeeD that defeated her 3 years ago. The one with the weird gun/sword thingy. That evil one! EVIL!!

"I-I must be hearing things..." The sorceress reassured herself, mopping the floors carefully. 

"Heeeeey! Ultimecia!"

Ultimecia, now grief-stricken, started mopping even faster. 'Don't look behind you' she hastily told herself. 'There is no one there... no one...' Yes, indeed. If she believed there was no one, then there would be no one.

The joys of delusional thinking.

"HEY! I AM TALKING TO YOU!"

Everyone turned at stared. Leon did something very un-Leon like. He yelled. That was something. Truly something.

Ultimecia slowly turned around and brought her mop up in a shaky defense. 

"I...I didn't do anything!! What did I do?! Don't hurt me!" She whimpered, hiding (or trying to) her face behind the mop handle.

"Um... I just wanted to introduce you to my wife." Leon awkwardly pointed to Yuffie, who was staring at the frightened sorceress with confusion. Leon suddenly cleared his throat and tossed a thesaurus in the author's direction, with the page book marked on "confusion".

"INSOLENT FOOL!" Alice roared. And then there was silence. 

Ultimecia's eyes wandered over to the young ninja, then onto the tabby cat who was sitting on her head. The cat had a unusual white splotch on it's head and clear azure eyes...

She gasped. Kuja! Damn the little rat...er, cat!. As if on cue, the cat gave a wide grin, revealing very pretty fangs.

"Do you like our kitty?" Yuffie gushed with pride as she removed the kitten from her head and cradled it in her arms. "He's so cute! We named him Cheeseburger!"

Alas, the information fell on deaf ears. For now, the only emotion left in Ultimecia was something that could be vaguely described as homicidal rage. 

"YOU!" She screeched, springing forward and attempting to get her hands around the little kitten's neck. Yuffie jumped back in alarm. Three or so SeeDs suddenly burst out of nowhere and restrained the hysterical sorceress.

"YOU BETRAYED US! YOU!!" Ultimecia screeched, pointing to Kuja. Kuja just sneered and stuck his tail up in the air. The SeeDs dragged the screaming woman off, ignoring her cursing and accusations.

"Um... that went rather well..." Leon scratched his head, a... *looks in thesaurus* PERPLEXED look on his face. "At least she didn't try to kill a human this time..."

"Are all sorceresses like that?" Yuffie shivered, hugging 'Cheeseburger' in a protective embrace. 

~~~

Meanwhile, back in Destiny Islands, there still was a raging plothole where Sephiroth once stood. Kairi was having one hell of a time convincing a traumatized Aerith to look for Sephiroth via plothole.

"Aerith! Come on! We must look for Sephy!" Kairi pleaded, pulling on the chibi's arm. However, Aerith remained motionless, eyes fixed on the spot where her husband once stood.

"Sephy...? Sephy...?" She murmured, ignoring everything else. 

Kairi rolled her eyes. Looks like it was up to her... She looked down to the note clutched in Aerith's hand. Her brow furrowed as she tried to think of a way to get the paper out without breaking it.

Ah ha! 

Kairi grabbed a nearby vase and rose it over Aerith's head.

"Sorry, Aerith, but it's for the good of the Planet!" Kairi reassured her, wondering if Aerith was even listening, much less aware of the impending doom that was to follow.

Kairi brought the vase down with a sickening crack. Aerith was lucky enough not to have a shield of stupidity (or a massively spiky head), so she was knocked out rather quickly. Her hands went limp and the note fluttered to the ground with ease. Picking it up, Kairi scanned her eyes over the words:

We have kidnapped Sephiroth for specific reasons. Do not expect him to be returned to you alive. We will pay for the funeral and everything. I repeat: DO NOT EXPECT HIM BACK ALIVE. 

ps: aerith u wil mary me afftuh sefiwoth dyes ok

CLOUD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

i wunna rite two!

NO! THIS IS AN IMPORTANT LETTER, GO AWAY!

How important is the letter?

ANSEM, YOU STOP WRITING IN IT TOO!

What, you mean me?

NO!! THE OTHER ONE!

She means me, idiot. The smart one.

You mean: The moron who got killed by the idiot with the key.

thes is leik a AOL chat ruum!

Shut up, Cloud, you're hurting our brains.

IF YOU DON'T STOP WRITING IN THIS LETTER, I'LL KILL YOU ALL!

Even me?

No, not you, Ansem, I happen to like you.

Ha! I'm the good looking one!

But we both look the same!

Yeah, but I have a bigger-

OK, I think we should send this now.

Good idea, Seymour!

...Yeah.

Kairi frowned. Whoever those people were, they had Ansem! And the... other Ansem? This made no sense to the poor Princess of Heart, so she dismissed this and decided to step in the plothole.

Edging toward the swirling multi-colored depths, Kairi peered in. 

"Well..." She groaned. "Here goes..."

She suddenly snapped her head back. Good thing too, because 2 seconds later, Sora, Riku and the others burst through, crashing into a wall.

"SAVED!" A cry came from the mass of broken bodies and mutated creatures. "WE'RE SAVED!"

A brown, pointy head popped out from the pile, grinning with glee.

"HI KAIRI!" Sora cheerfully greeted the shocked Princess. "Um, we just came from Deling City... AHHH!"

Sora fell to the ground as the group untangled themselves. Eya gave a loud creak as it flopped to the floor, obviously exhausted and Shroom was still traumatized.

Riku, however, surveyed the room and let out one sentence:

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE??"

~~~

"Kuja! Kuja! I must kill him! Let me go, damn you, let me go!"

Ultimecia rammed herself against the steel door for the twelfth time, still displeased with the fact it was not moving. Forgetting that she gave all her magic to Edea, Ultimecia reared back and prepared a spell.

"ULTIMA!" She cried.

Now, if things were the way they were supposed to be, nothing would have happened. Some harmless green sparks would emerge and nothing would happen.

Instead, a great green energy flame gathered in the center of the door and burst, vaporizing the door and anything within 3 feet of it.

Ultimecia blinked. Did she just... did she just do REAL MAGIC?

"Yes, you did."

The sorceress spun around, a Flare spell gathering energy in her hands. In the glowing red light, she could make out a cloaked figure.

"Who's there? I'm armed!" Ultimecia barked, making the glowing ball of fire in her hand brighter.

"You need not be alarmed. I really didn't expect this, but it's all the more interesting..."

There was something odd about the figure... even though it was rather small compared to her, Ultimecia could feel power surging from it's petite frame, smacking her in waves. That,. and the fact that it was talking in bold text. 

You do NOT screw around with beings who can talk in bold text.

"But powers or no, you still cannot hope to avoid the inevitable... You see..."

"OH SHUT UP AND TELL ME ALREADY!" Ultimecia snapped. Why couldn't villains be more like her? Concise in their evil ramblings instead of subjecting the player to 5 minutes of text/speech?

The figure, even though it was cloaked, looked offended.

"Tch. Fine. You will pay for your insolence!"

Raising a gloved hand, the figure promptly cast a Holy spell. Ultimecia could only watch as the white orbs crashed into her, sending her to the wall at 160 mph. The crash immediately knocked her out and sent her to the floor in a crumpled heap. Almost immediately, Ultimecia started to glow and break up into little pieces, which were promptly sucked into a plothole.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Foolish characters!" The figure laughed. It turned around, preparing to make a dramatic exit. However...

"DOUGHNUT?? EAT!!"

It has been proven over the years: No one can resist a doughnut. ^_^

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Linnet's Hologram: Yes. Confusing, isn't it? Who is this new powerful character? The answer, of course, is the original author of this story, chibilinnet. Why am I telling you this now? Because...

Alice: Excuse me. There is only room for ONE author here, and that is moi.

Cloud: Aerith will marry me when this is all over, right?

Sephiroth: No, Cloud, Aerith will NOT marry you! SHE IS MINE!


	11. HTML and CSS are your frrreeeiiinnnds

****

CHAPTER ELEVEN: I HAVE HTML SKILLS!!! I HAVE HTML SKILLS!!!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!! Thanks to htmlgoodies.com, I know how to make frames and such. Now... maybe... just maybe... Ansem can have his very own shrine!!! :) *Joygasms*

Blah. Hopefully this won't deter me from my writing. 

Disclaimers have been taken care of. Chapter one, please

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Say what?"

Kairi rolled her eyes. That was the seventh time Riku asked her to repeat it.

"No, I still don't like Legend of Zelda. Will-"

"SAY WHAT?! Zelda pwns j00!" Riku hotly shot back, angry that Kairi would not accept it. Odd that Riku was a Nintendo fanboy, but that's the way things worked out.

"CAN I JUST TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED HERE?!" Kairi screamed, all sanity and patience gone out the window and into some river, going down the mighty river and emptying into the ocean, where it would float endlessly until bumping into a coastal beach where little kids would poke at it and push their friends into it like the little morons they are, and-

"OK, WE GET THE VISUAL METAPHOR..." Kairi rudely interrupted. Alice looked offended and decided to have Kairi die some horrific death.

Unfortunately, both Alice and chibilinnet were afflicted with the dreaded... COLD. Yes, the EVIL cold virus, that has so much evil that even the Devil itself fears it!! So Alice was too miserable to inflict death and doom on Kairi and chibilinnet to angry to stop it.

"Hmph." Both authors scowled and resumed writing.

"Well, whatever." Kairi huffed, glad that was over. "Riku, your parents came here and for some reason they... they were chibi! It was really insane! Then some weird guy busted in, kidnapped Chibi-Seph, and threw this equally weird note at Aerith..."

Kairi handed the letter to Riku, who read it, face showing utter... CONFUSION! 

"THESAURUS!" Leon yelled from Chapter Ten.

Ignoring him, Riku looked back at his sleeping, er, knocked out mother. He gestured over to her, obviously asking what happened.

"Uh, she was kinda losing it, so I had to knock her out. Sorry." Kairi sheepishly explained. "It's all for the greater good." She rationalized to herself and Riku, mostly to herself. Rationalizationj00... whatever that means. ANYWAY...

"Kairi, why is Aerith knocked out?" Sora asked, oblivious to everything around him.

"Sora, be quiet and rid is of your stupidity!" Kairi screamed, sick of the mass stupidity this fic is based on.

Sora whimpered and hid behind Riku. It was sad. Riku sighed and petted Sora's head, whispering nice comments to boost Sora's already to high self-esteem. Kairi rolled her eyes in much disgust.

"Riku, you baby him too much." She pointed out.

"No I do not!" Riku objected.

While Kairi and Riku were arguing about the proper way to raise Sora, Shroom and Eya were still hiding somewhere in the corner. Eya was looking at Shroom poking the little mushroom to see if it was still alive. Shroom, however, was still in shock after seeing the horror that is Linnet. Of course, Linnet was merely a separate entity that chibilinnet used to shamelessly insert herself in fanfictions, but she was ugly nonetheless. 

"Creak?" Eya poked Shroom on his red cap again, waiting for a response.

"..." 

"Creeeeaaakk." Eya was growing impatient now. Surely this picture could not be that bad, could it? Then again, Eya was a bench.

"..."

"GOBBEDLYGOOK!" Eya roared. Now, to a regular human, that just sounded like gibberish. But that was the sound benches made when they roar. Oh yes, benches roar from time to time. Such noble creatures benches were.

Shroom was snapped from his trance and fell over, his little capped head protecting what little brains were in there. Shroom then blinked and cheerfully waved to Eya as if nothing ever happened.

"Meeeep. Mip mip meep." Shroom squeaked. What are the humans doing??

"Creak. Creakity creeeeeeaaakkk..." Arguing about parenting issues. The red one says the silver haired one is babying the stupid one.

"Mip. Meep, Meepity meeep mep?" Oh. Hey, where are we? This doesn't look like a plothole...

"Creaaak. creeek Creak Creakity." We have escaped. Fresh air is good.

Shroom surveyed the room. Sure enough, the red one and the silver-haired one were arguing, the stupid one was cowering behind the silver-haired one, and there was...

!!!

"MEEP MEEP!' The Pink One!

It would be a good time to backtrack on some Heartless history.

Now, the Heartless, or at least most of them, were created by Ansem. Back then, Ansem originally created the Heartless as a tool of revenge so he could destroy Sephiroth. Before the Heartless could actually finish the job, Aerith jumped to Sephiroth's aid. Naturally, Ansem was forced to call them off, so the Heartless thought of Aerith as "The Pink One", the mighty goddess that even their creator feared (actually, Ansem has a soft spot for Aerith, even though he won't admit it).

So, Shroom was raised on the belief to fear the Pink One. Now that he actually saw the legendary Pink One in the flesh, he didn't expect her to be so... small?

"Creak? Creeaaakity creek?" Eya questioned, looking at the 'Pink One'. The Pink One? What's so important about her?

Shroom pointed to the handy above paragraph, as the authors was too lazy to write out words that have 'meep' in them.

"We have to rescue my dad!" Riku decided, as the scene shifted back to the teenage group.

"Alright, but I'm coming along. I'm sick of you getting all the glory." Kairi stubbornly insisted. Damn it, this time she would NOT be dead weight.

The three teens looked into the swirling depths in the plothole. It was time to go cross-chapter traveling again.

~~~

"Hey, this really ain't bad!"

Ansem leaned back, resting against the velvet chair that Alice gave him. She treated him rather well compared to the rest of the prisoners.

Unknown Ansem glared at his other half in contempt. Life was never fair, was it? Obviously, HE was the superior half, not his pathetic excuse for a heart! Seymour and Sephiroth also had great feelings of hatred directed toward the king.

"It's not fair!" Seymour sniffed (does he have the cold too?!). "I'm the miserable pathetic Guado half-breed! Alice should be treating ME with respect!"

"Shut the hell up!" Chibi-Sephiroth snapped. "No one wants to hear you whine, you attention whore!"

This sure shut Seymour up. He muttered something about calling forth Mommy when he had his powers back. This got Sephiroth curious. He looked over to Unknown Ansem, who was re-reading _Chobits_ for the seventeenth time.

"Chobits? That looks gay!" He smirked, feeling very ruthless and cruel today.

Unknown Ansem shrugged, looking out from the top of the book.

"It's full of swearing and it's the closest to porn you can get here. Leave me alone."

And then there was silence.

The villains all shifted uncomfortably. They were not used to being silenced. They were ALWAYS talking, bragging, and insulting someone. It was a fact that villains DO NOT like to be silenced. What a talkative bunch. But now, the silence filled the air with uneasiness.

More silence.

More.

Seymour's sensitive ears faintly picked up someone shouting and screaming. He frowned, and pressed his ear closer to the wall.

"What's up?" Ansem asked.

"Ssh!" Seymour pressed his ear further into the wall. He could only make out the screaming--the rest was mumbled quietly.

__

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU COULDN'T FIND ULTIMECIA??!"

"She ... at Gard... gone... don... kno..."

"WELL, FIND HER, DAMMIT!"

"Not any... I said she ... gone!"

"HUH? ... You mean, nowhere in ...misis..?"

"Tha... what I sa...d.. I think chib... is back."

The conversation soon became very hushed. Grinning, Seymour gave the thumbs-up to his fellow prisoners.

"They can't find Ulti. I don't think they managed to nab Kefka and Kuja either. And they said something about... I dunno, chibi-something being back." Seymour happily reported. Relieved looks flooded over all their faces.

"That's great." Chibi-Sephiroth stroked the blade of his Masamune. "We have extra time to bust out of here." 

The villains knew this was not a time to see who was the strongest. It was not a time to see who was more kick-ass. It was not a time to see who had a bigger fan army. It was a time for them to work together, if they ever planned to get out alive.

That is, assuming they do not kill each other first.

~~~

"OOOOOOH... WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA? SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!"

Kefka gleefully sang the words to his favorite show. It was nice of them to put a TV in this nice padded room... with his nice jacket that seemed to love him because it was hugging him so tight... and the men in white coats even gladly changed the channel for him!

Speaking of men in white coats, one stepped in the room right now, carrying a glass of water in one hand and a small paper cup filled with pills in another.

"OK, Kefka..." Zidane sighed. "It's time to take your medicine now..."

"MEDICINE? YAY!!" Kefka jumped (or tried to, anyway). He loved taking the pills. They tasted goooood...

"Calm down Kefka. Remember, DRINK pills this time..." Zidane instructed the maniac. How did he ever become an asylum worker? Madness, he thought!

From outside the room, looking from the bulletproof window, Garnet waved at her boyfriend. Zidane caught sight of her and waved, forgetting that he had the cup of water in his one hand...

"CRAP!"

"Awww, Zidane-y, you spilled the water... Oh! It's Dagger! HI DAGGER!" Kefka bounced around madly, trying to get Garnet's attention. Garnet waved cheerfully at Kefka too. Such a nice girl, that Garent!

Zidane's tail twitched impatiently. He glare at Kefka, making the insane man quickly stop bouncing.

"That's better. OK, let's drink the pills now..." The former thief grabbed Kefka's throat, poured the water and pills in, and quickly let go, leaving Kefka gasping for air. It sounded cruel, but that was the only way to get Kefka to take his medicine.

Kefka recovered quickly and smiled with glee, bouncing back to the TV to watch his hero catch jellyfish and thwart Plankton's evil plans again (which is not funny, because Planktonj00)

~~~

"C'mon, Leon! FASTER! HARDER! C'mon! ... Ah, you wuss, get up, I'll show you how it's done!"

Yuffie growled and wrenched the controller from Leon's hands. This boy did NOT know the art that is Tekken Tag. 

"Aw, Yuffie... you're so mean." Leon pouted, looking up at his wife (she was sitting on the bed, Leon the floor). Yuffie just smiled and poked him in the forehead.

'Cheeseburger' was watching these childish antics, and remembered when he was like that. Young and Stupid. The cat/mage rolled his amber eyes and yawned, purring and rolling all over the bedspread to achieve maximum cuteness levels.

"KAWAII!!!" Yuffie squealed and huggled Cheeseburger, making him purr with delight. Being a kitten means you get all the chicks!

Leon whimpered, feeling left out. Sometimes he thought Yuffie loved the cat more then she loved him.

"Awwww, Leon! I wuv you too!" Yuffie set the cat down and tackled Leon, where then they stared to do... er... activities...

Well, Kuja didn't care to watch how humans mate (however morbidly fascinating it was), so he decided to see if he could bug Ultimecia. That was always fun. Slipping out the door, opened only by a crack, Kuja did his human care-takers a favor and shut the door.

Not that Balamb had the most soundproof walls, but hey...

The cat padded through the empty halls, seeking out the janitor. He checked the first place=Janitor's closet. No hits. He checked the Training Room. No hits. The Secret spot. No hits. The Maximum Security Cell... AH-HA!

Kuja crouched in a corner, hiding in the shadows, watching the headmaster and a few SeeDs whine and gripe.

"What happened?? I thought Ultimecia gave up her powers!" Cid exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air for dramatic effect.

A blonde woman, wearing pink, was checking the air for radiation and magical residue. Well, she got a match, as a scanner in her hand started beeping like Meteor had just been summoned or something.

"An Ultima Spell broke down the door, but I'm barely picking it up over the Holy Spell.. The Ultima Spell was done by a sorceress, but the Holy Spell is much stronger.... beyond what any sorceress can do..." Quistis reported, her brow furrowing. 

"What? That's impossible, no one anymore has any magic to exceed Ultimecia's, not even me or Edea!" A raven-haired girl in blue protested.

"Now, now, Rinoa, it is possible..." Cid tried to calm the girl down, but truth be told, the only possible explanation for this was Hyne. And he was an atheist. Go figure.

"It isn't... unless there is some god-like force watching us now... dictating what we say... what we move... making me say these very words right now..." Rinoa pondered, getting dangerously close to realizing that they were in a fanfiction and being controlled by a 13 year old moron with a keyboard and Comcast High Speed Cable Internet. 

"Rinoa, you are just getting paranoid..." Quistis muttered. "Why don't we get Squall?"

"Oh puh-lease. He's an actor now, I bet you he doesn't remember a single thing about SeeD training! I told you making that movie was bad for all of us!" Rinoa spat. She and Squall, er, Leon never actually loved each other. In fact, they only acted all buddy-buddy during the filming of Final Fantasy 8 for the money. There were lots of backstage fights that the cheesy tabloids loved the exploit.

"Whatever you say, Rinoa..." Quistis sighed. 

Rinoa strode over to the wall, feeling intense magical energy bursting through the walls. She bent down to one corner and fished out one of the few cameras that were not destroyed during the explosion. Quistis handed over her scanner and Rinoa popped in the camera, watching the tiny screen intensely.

The screen flickered and static poured in, but it faded out and Ultimecia appeared on screen, glowing Flare ball in hand. She was facing something beside the camera.

__

"Who's there? I'm armed!"

From the corner of the camera, Rinoa caught a glimpse of black.

**__**

"You need not be alarmed. I really didn't expect this, but it's all the more interesting..." the voice boomed. Through the camera, it sounded ethereal, like several women's voices mixed together and amplified, creating what the author liked to call the Ansem/Riku voice effect.

At this point, the camera, for some weird reason, exploded. WHEEEEE!! FIERY EXPLOSIONS OF DEATH AND DOOM!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Rinoa and Quistis were knocked back, gasping and wide-eyed in terror.

"Did... did you hear that voice?? Did you feel the power coming from it??" Rinoa gasped, shivering and bringing her knees to her chest.

"I felt power all right... It's strong, even from the camera... You think there are more sorceresses??" Quistis chimed in, shivering herself.

"Not a sorceress..." Rinoa whimpered. "It's a power that exceeds any sorceress. I dare say it even exceeds Hyne itself... I... I think it's ... it's..." she trailed off, not finding any words to describe the mass power she had just witnessed.

Kuja gulped, and sulked back to his room. Something very wrong was happening... something very wrong...

~~~

"Did you see that?? She can talk in BOLD? And I cannot?!"

Meanwhile, Alice was also reviewing the scene down at Balamb. Her tiny frame trembled with anger. She was being overthrown! Hell no, she worked long and hard to become the author of this fic, and chibilinnet will NOT win!

"Well, considering that she IS the original author of the fiction, I think she would have every right to..." Lance observed. Cloud looked up from his Polly Pocket set, watching the adults frown and mope. Why were they not happy? Cloud recalled something that made people happy... what was it called... hu? huggletujfbnfhd... ah, forget it. He went back to playing.

"Hello Ms. Polly, how are you today! Oh, I'm fine, Ms. Polly's friend! Let's go on a fun-filled adventure... TO THE MALL! OMG!! THERE'S LEIK A GIANT ANT RAMPAGING!! GAAAAAAHHH! I'M STUCK UNDER THE CAR, OH GAWD HELP!!"

Alice looked at Lance, who was watching Cloud with fear.

"Lance, I want him to watch more Sesame Street." Alice instructed, turning back to her virtual library to see if she could attain the power of **TEH BOLD TEXT!!!!**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (again) That chapter made no sense. Oh well, I hope it was amusing... or something.

Back to improving my near non-existent HTML skills!


	12. Random destruction

****

CHAPTER TWELVE: Random destruction!

I bought Pokemon Sapphire. I am happy now. 

Disclaimers are available in Chapter One, fresh and hot.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"chibilinnet, aren't you supposed to do something?"

Mickey and the others could only watch helplessly as chibilinnet got sucked into the addicting world of Pokemon Sapphire, spending her days training her Pokemon and speaking only in Trainer language, which was half-English and half-Stupid, according to the others.

****

"What? Mickey, don't bother me, I have to train Vivi..." chibilinnet muttered, referring to her Plusle. 

"chibi, we had a deal!" Mickey shot back, having just about enough of her crap. chibilinnet was one of those annoying people who will do what they are asked to do, but at the last minute. And they usually do a half-assed job at that.

****

"So? I have my flaws, LEAVE ME BE!" The author boomed, causing the house to shake up. She grinned sadistically and went back to playing her precious Pokemon game, searching out a suitable attachment for her beloved Aron, Steena.

"Stupid authors think they're so important..." Mickey muttered darkly, climbing up the dark stairways of Viper Manor. He casually strolled over to a room with a hand-drawn sign that read "STAY AWAY. VIOLATORS WILL BE SHOT. SURVIVORS SHOT AGAIN."

"Oh, THAT is so original..." Mickey rolled his eyes. Suddenly, he yelped when a lighting bolt hit the ground about 2 inches away from him. 

****

"I HEARD THAT!!!"

The door creaked open and Unknown Sora stuck his head out. This was a bad idea because Mickey attached himself to anything that moved at that moment. So now Unknown Sora was breathing in Mickey's horrible body odor (contrary to popular belief, Mickey does not have good hygiene. FOR SHAME, MICKEY!)

"AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHH!!!" Sora jumped back, tripping over a stray PS2 controller. Mickey got flung off his face and into the wall, cracking the plaster and revealing a mysterious red button. Mickey fell back down on the ground and onto the face of a spoon, which had a small bouncy red ball on the handle. The ball shot out, hit the other wall, and sped right into the cracked wall, hitting the button with much force.

It is safe to say the top floors of the Manor then exploded. 

Of course, nobody was hurt. But they were injured by the falling rocks and debris, plus Unknown Riku soared through the sky and into a stray plothole that just popped up.

The author smiled at the carnage and destruction she created. That'll teach those fools to interrupt her Pokemon Training sessions!

****

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA...." chibilinnet cackled. She opened her brown eyes and saw a doughnut, sitting right in front of her. Krispy Kreme. Chocolate Glazed. No being could resist...

Of course, chibilinnet didn't know that the doughnut was connected to the Golden Shiny Wire of Destruction. And when you pull the Gol...

****

BOOM!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Did you just hear something?"

"A plane probably just broke the sound barrier, Ansem..."

"What?"

"Not you, the other one..."

"What the hell?? The Airstation is out of service, there ain't no planes, you jackass!"

"Who the hell are you calling a jackass?!"

"WILL YOU TWO JUST SHUT THE HELL UP AND DIG?!"

"Sorry Seph..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kairi observed the plothole with interest. It really was like smashing 20 lava lamps together and going on a massive drug trip. 

"We're off to see teh author... TEH WONDER-"

"Shut up, Sora." Already, Kairi's good mood was ruined.

Riku frowned and pushed Kairi lightly.

"Hey, Kairi, do you have to be so mean to Sora?"

"Why yes!" Kairi replied angrily. She decided not to elaborate on why. It was obvious Riku liked him more than her... stupid brown-haired egotistical jerk...

The plothole shook violently and the colors changed from swirly multicolor to just plain black. Darkness fil-

"YAY DARKNESS!!"

"I TOLD YOU TO SHUT THE HELL UP AND DIG!!!"

"Sorry..."

...anyway, darkness filled the corridor, filling the plothole with eerie silence. Sora whimpered and hid behind Riku, and Kairi clutched Riku's arm in fear.

__

I'm such a stud! Riku happily thought. I do not know why Riku would be thinking something like that at a time like this, but there's Riku for you...

The darkness stayed, and the three teens found themselves stuck in the dark. Sora wished that Shroom knew Flash.

Eya creaked cautiously and padded forward. It pokes Shroom in the back, causing his eyes to emit HIGH POWERED LIGHT BEAMS OF DEA... well, they were non-lethal actually. Maybe make you blind... oh well, guess you can't have anything...

"Yay! We can see!" Sora squealed and hugged Shroom. He put the confused Heartless down. 

With a little encouragement from Eya, Shroom started guiding our "heroes" along the path of despair... or something like that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, dee-dee-dee-dee..."

"Cloud, will you get me that book over there?" Alice instructed him, pointing the a bookshelf.

"OK!" Cloud happily trotted over a random bookcase and grabbed a random book, a tall thick one, since he was too stupid to follow directions...

But maybe Cloud should have, because that book happened to be holding up the shelf. The shelf toppled down with a crash, causing the books placed on it to fall forward. They rained down on Cloud, but the spiky haired warrior couldn't feel it through his thick spiky hair...

He stepped back, stepping on a book page. Yelping in surprise, Cloud fell back, his foot slamming into the end of the bookcase. The force was sufficient enough to topped the bookcase over. It slammed on Cloud, his arm rocketing up into the air. The book he was holding flew out of his hand and landed with a thud on Alice's desk.

"Oh, thanks Cloud!" Alice smiled, taking the book and ignoring Cloud's muffled shouts of pain.

The author was feeling particularly destructive today, it seems...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To: chibilinnet@yahoo.com

From: kidgenius616@comcast.net

Subject: i got it...

Message:

mary i got clod's address just to let you know. do you still want the shotgun?

[Action: Reply]

Yes. I still want the shotgun.


	13. j00 ph33r teh Rikuchu!

****

CHAPTER THIRTEEN: RIKUCHU!! 

Rikuchu... I like that name... Mweeehehehehe, I think I'll name my Ansem shrine that (yeah, it makes no sense, but neither do I). 

---read that. READ IT. READ IT AND REVIEW, DAMMIT! (It's Deus Magi's 'Anthem's Report') 

Disclaimers can be hunted and caught in Chapter One, level 2 and are the legal type. Oh yeah, and Pokémon is property of Nintendo and Game Freak. Keep up the great work, guys!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I... I can't find it!"

Alice slammed her book down in frustration. Not finding anything on the Internet ("Oh, suuuure, you can find ANYTHING..."), she had raided the Hollow Bastion Library, but to no avail. There simply was nothing to on how to become an author!

"Lance! Why can I not find anything??' Alice hissed through gritted teeth. Lance gulped, not knowing whether to answer or not. Alice was scary.

"It's because you can't really how to be an author." Cloud spoke up from his corner. "You can only go as far as being taught proper grammar and English, but you still need imagination. The best works were created because of the author's vast imagination. That is the key to becoming an author, I guess..."

Alice and Lance stared at Cloud, who sat thoughtfully in the corner musing, then the nervously searched the sky for the fire and brimstone. Lance could have sworn one of those clouds looked like the Four Riders of the Apocalypse.

They looked back at Cloud, who was trying to exit the library, frantically pushing at the door.

"Why can't this door open??" Cloud moaned, pushing with all his might. The sign above read PULL.

"... Once in a blue moon, I guess..." Alice muttered, then went back to her books. Lance sighed and walked over to the struggling fighter, pulling the door open with ease.

"Thanks, Lance!" Cloud smiled. Then he stared at the empty space, the smile still plastered on his face.

"Cloud...? What's wrong now??" Lance asked, exasperated. 

"I can't remember why I wanted to leave in the first place..."

Screaming in rage, Lance grabbed the Masamune and tried to stab Cloud to end it all. The blade, however, had dulled from staying in Lance's backpack for too long and struck the fighter's magnet, bouncing off uselessly.

Lance cried. How could someone so stupid be allowed to live??

~~~

"CHIBI!" 

Unknown Sora and Mickey rushed in the basement, searching frantically for the author. She was in the corner, playing her Gameboy Advance and muttering something about needing the SP. Ahhh... Beautiful GBA SP... *drools*

"Ew!" Mickey jumped back, to avoid getting hit by the saliva drops. He stared at the author in disgust.

****

"What?" chibilinnet protested.

"No time for that!!" Sora grabbed Mickey and threw him aside. "chibi! We can't find Ultimecia!! She vanished from the cage!"

****

"WHAT?!" chibilinnet repeated, this time making it in all caps and adding the spiffy new exclamation mark!!!one!!shift+one!!!

"And Riku's missing..." Mickey added, still trying to dislodge his head from the bucket Sora threw him in. He cursed and ranted the whole time, wandering around the basement and bumping into walls. 

****

"IT MUST BE THAT FOOL, ALICE!" chibilinnet declared, standing straight up to her full height (4"2). She reached into her Gameboy Advance and pulled out six various Pokéballs. She even had the spiffy accent!

****

"Altaria, Go!" chibilinnet tossed the ball up in the air and out came out a floating blue bird, with it's body shrouded in clouds from neck-down. The bird floated down to chibilinnet's level and awaited orders.

****

"Altaria, fly us to Lunatic Pandora!" chibilinnet told him. Altaria looked at chibilinnet, then to Sora just standing there, then to Mickey, who was now running around the room screaming muffled rants.

It regarded chibilinnet with a spiteful look and returned to it's ball.

****

"A whole lot of good you did me... OK, fine, we walk." chibilinnet grumbled, shuddering at the fact she had to do some cursed... EXERCISE! (_!)

"Walk??" Unknown Sora exclaimed. "But you can just transport us here! In fact, you can just delete this entire fanfiction and leave us in peace!"

"Well, then the audience would be displeased!" chibilinnet replied, waving her hand towards you, the reader. "Besides, it takes too much time. I'm too lazy." she yawned. "On the plus side, we may find Riku."

"Oh fine... but what about Mickey?" Sora asked, stretching his foot out and tripping the mouse. He landed on the floor and the bucket stood straight up, leaving poor Mickey dangling like a plant.

"Eh, we'll leave him there. It's amusing." 

~~~

"Riku... do you even know where your dad IS?"

Riku stopped, thinking up a decent excuse for Kairi's question. 

"Now... that is a good question..." Riku muttered. Kairi was internally seething in rage. Why was she always stuck with the idiots? She decided to unleash her rage before it killed her.

"YOU IDIOT!!!" She howled, her harsh voice echoing off the walls. Shroom meeped and hid behind Eya, Eya creaked and ran around in a frenzy, and Sora backed away, tripped onto Eya, and scared the bench even more, causing it to run straight through the wall and into another area of the story.

Yep, this story will never end.

__

"I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!! WHY DID I EVEN FOLLOW YOU MORONS HERE?? YOU USED TO BE GOOD, RIKU, UNTIL YOU STARTED DATING THAT JERK!! WHAT THE HELL IS EVEN UP WITH THAT, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DATING GUYS IN THE FIRST PLACE!! NOW ALL HIS STUPID IS RUBBING OFF ONTO YOU!! WHY, RIKU, WHY??"

Kairi gasped, sucking in all the precious air. It was all in vain though, as Riku just stood there, blinking at Kairi, not seeming to understand a word she said.

"Riiiku! Rikuchu!" Riku squeaked. 

Now it was Kairi's turn to blink in confusion.

"Riku! Riiiku, Rik, chu chu!!" Riku squeaked frantically, waving his arms around in a panic. "RIKU!!! RIKUCHU!!!" Riku grabbed his own throat in horror, and Kairi saw that Riku was not faking this.

"Riku! What happened?" Kairi momentarily forgot that she was supposed to be crying in a corner over her lost love and grabbed Riku's hands. "Riku!"

"Riiiku! Rikuchu!" Riku squealed, wrenching his hands from Kairi's and pointing to the empty space behind her. There was a big empty space. it was pretty.

"Oh..." Kairi sighed, realizing it. "OK, we'll find Sora..."

Kairi fumed internally as Riku and her ran down the dark path. How will she ever get Riku to like her? And what the hell was up with the Rikuchu thing?

~~~

"OW!"

Sephiroth threw his shovel on the ground and stared angrily at his companions.

"Who hit me?" He demanded, grabbing his shovel and snarling.

The three others stared at each other and shrugged. Normally, they would have been cowering in fear, but Sephiroth was a wuss without his Masamune. He really was.

Sephiroth growled shouldered his shovel, turning around quickly. The shovel head made an audible clang and a loud "AAAAAUUUUGGGHH!!!111" was heard (complete with ones!)

girly scream"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!"/girly scream Sephiroth flung himself behind Ansem and stuck his poor brother out as a human shield.

"TAKE ANSEM!! JUST DON'T KILL ME!!!" Sephiroth whimpered.

"Hiya Ulti!" Ansem cheerfully waved, looking down at the fallen figure. Yes, it was Ultimecia, and she was in the company of Kuja (who hit Sephiroth earlier).

"Watch where you aim that thing!!" Ultimecia growled, rubbing her head. Her headdress had broken and her silvery head (not even females are exempt from the Silver-haired villain rule) was unprotected from shovels and the like. Needless to say, Seymour felt a but left out.

"Why hello, Ansem!" Kuja smiled, walking up to him and smiling, in an attempt to flirt.

This time, Ansem scurried behind Sephiroth and stuck him out as a human shield. 

"FLIRT WITH HIM! HE'S THE GAY ONE!!" Ansem screamed. Sephiroth opened his mouth to correct him, but Ansem cut him off. "He even said you were hot at once!"

"Did he now...?" Kuja murmured, casting his flirtatious eyes to Sephiroth.

"Hey, I thought he was a chick!" The One-Winged Angel protested. 

"Yeah, sure, a chick his age would have hit puberty by now." Ansem retorted, still cowering behind his older brother.

"So?? *I* didn't notice he was flat chested!" 

"No, because you kept staring at his-"

"OK, children..." Ultimecia stepped between the two bickering siblings, petting their heads. "No need to fight now, we can settle this like adults."

While Ultimecia was going about her motherly duty, Unknown Ansem and Seymour were sitting, unnoticed, in the corner.

"No one cares about me!" Seymour wailed. Unknown Ansem nervously edged away from the sobbing Guado. People might start getting _ideas..._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!! This will be the next neverending story! 

Cloud: Yay! We'll all be FRIENDS FOREVER!

*Giant Meteor falls on Cloud*

Good riddance, I say. Anyway... hopefully, I might get 'Rikuchu' (the Ansem shrine XD) up next weekend if I get my arse in gear. Then maybe I can beg my dad for a domain or crap. Wh00t!! Freeloading forever!


	14. The plot is pretty much nonexistant, eh?

****

CHAPTER FOURTEEN: The Internet can be so cruel at times...

Good news: The site is up on Geocities. 

Bad news: It's not complete yet.

So, I will time it's completion with the next time I update one of my 3 fanfics (most likely the Ring one,. since Writer's Block killed my Ansem/Aerith fic). Or something like that. Bleh, I'm such a procrastinator. You may kill me now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hey, where's the funny, witty author's note?" Seymour whined, in his usual annoying voice. The other villains cringed, contemplating whether to kill Seymour or not. Well, all except Unknown Ansem, who made up his mind long ago and just wanted to skip ahead to the killing part.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!"

Now the villains were being entertained with an amusing show of Seymour running as fast as his weird... coat... thing... he wears (WTF is that, anyway?), and Unknown Ansem chasing him with one of his silver sporks, with the full intent to kill.

Suddenly, the wall exploded with JELLO-EY GOODNESS!! (IT'S A WORD, DAMMIT!). Sora, Eya and Shroom were flung from the wall and crashed right into Unknown Ansem and Seymour, who crashed into Sephiroth, Ultimecia, Ansem and Kuja, who smashed into the cavern wall, and caused a cave-in crashed down, dragging them deep into the cave, and out the other side.

Yay, chain-reactions!

Anyways, our rather large group slammed on top of something very spiky. Of course, they didn't die, but that didn't really change the fact it hurt.

Meanwhile, deep underneath the spiky layer, there was a alienoid creature sleeping. It was in the middle of a nice dream (that involved France and Italy demanding a large amount of cheese and sausages from Germany.), when the yelps and cries of pain ruined it's slumber.

"What the hell?" The creature grumbled, stumbling around. "Dammit! It must be those time-traveling brats again! I TOLD them to leave the damned portals alone, but DID THEY LISTEN? NOOOOOO..."

Going on ranting, the very cranky creature sleepily ascended the staircase, with the full intent of killing these 'time-traveling brats'. Except the blue guy. He liked the blue guy. 

"OK, I TOLD you kids, STOP USING THE DAMNED PORTALS!" Lavos yelled, pushing open a hatch at the top of the stairs. He peeked his head out and saw the disturbing image of 9 bodies twisting and writhing in pain.

"OH MY FUGGIN GAWD, THEY WATCHED THE TAPE!" The once fearless alien leader screamed like a little girl and ran downstairs. He grabbed a broken titanium baseball bat (guess where THAT came from?) and smashed his TV to bits, then dived under the bed.

The 9 bodies that were in pain were very confused.

"Well, this sucks." Kuja summed it all up in one simple phrase.

~~~

"Riku, we've been walking down this stupid plothole for HOURS. Don't you think we should be looking for our parents?"

Kairi groaned, following Riku(chu). Riku(chu) looked worried, checking all the plothole walls that looked safe. Still no luck. Where could Sora be?

"Riiiku... chu chu..." Riku(chu) sadly squeaked, placing a hand over his heart, his pretty face showing a look of despair. Most people would have gone "Awwww...", but Kairi fiercely became a feminist and smacked the back of his head.

"NO TIME TO BE ACTING STUPID!" Kairi growled, her anger rekindling. Her hatred for Sora grew with each passing step. However, before she could explode into another mother-of-all-rants, she heard a loud girlish squeal.

"Rikuchu!" Riku(chu) squeaked, and he got into his "Hero Mode!" Grabbing Kairi, Riku(chu) rushed down the hall, attempting to say "DO NOT FEAR, FAIR MAIDEN, I WILL SAVE YOU!" Of course, it came out as "RIIIIKU! CHU CHU CHU, RIKU! RIKUCHU!", which probably would make a injured person scared even more.

Rounding the corner, Riku and Kairi could not believe their eyes. 

It was another Riku! Well, sort of. This one had the hair and the face, but there was a blindfold over his eyes. No wonder.

"WHERE AM I??" The other Riku yelled, running around screaming again. Kairi and Riku(chu) were very confused. 

"Well, you would know if you just took that stupid blindfold off." Kairi snapped, crossing her arms and shutting her eyes, trying to ward off the clouds of stupidity hanging over her.

"NUUUUU!!" Unknown Riku grasped his blindfold, in a sad attempt to protect it. "It's my blindfold! I can still see!! You just don't understand ESP, do you?" He glared at Kairi, sending shivers down her spine. 

"Rikuchu? Rik Rik?" Riku(chu) attempted to ask his other half. Apparently, Unknown Riku was fluent in Pokemon. But for you, dear reader, I shall translate it:

"Ryja oui caah Sora?"

Wait, wait, that was Al Bhed, let me try again...

"Avez-vous vu Sora?"

WAIT! I CAN GET IT IN ENGLISH THIS TIME! 

"01001000011000010111011001100101001000000111100101101111011101010010000001110011011001010110010101101110001000000101001101101111011100100110000100111111"

Eeeh... well, your computer can understand THAT...

LET ME TRY JUST ONE MORE TIME!!

".... ... .... ....?"

Uh... yeah.

The other characters stared at poor chibilinnet, who was trying to translate Riku(chu)'s language. In rage, her Gardevoir used his 1337 psychic powers and slammed her against a wall before she could do any more damage.

The characters shrugged and promptly went back to the story,

"No, I haven't seen Sora. Why?" 

"Rikuchu!!!" Angry, Riku(chu) let loose his frustration: In the form of prettyful electric sparks. In classic Rikuchu style, the sparks hit Unknown Riku and Kairi and although it brought much pain, it didn't short circuit their brains. Why?

The world may never know...

~~~

"AUGH!!!!"

Cloud ran into the library once more, at top speed, driven by either fear or hungry. Due to the fact Cloud had eaten about 3 books today, it probably was fear.

His homing mechanisms locked on to the unfortunate back of Lance, and in no time Lance found himself crushed under the shivering fighter.

"LANCE! ALICE!! THERE'S A... THING DANCING ON THE CEILING OF MY ROOM!" Cloud screamed, attempting to bury his face in Lance's shirt. Enraged, Lance grabbed the Masamune and whacked Cloud with as much force as his skinny arms could muster.

CRACK!

Oooh... with a pretty cracking sound, the blunt blade connected with Cloud's spiky head.

There was a rather loud silence in the air. Wait, how can silence be loud? Isn't silence supposed to be quiet? Like, not to be heard? But you can hear silence, can't you? So silence does make a sound, it just...

Uh... *looks at Gardevoir nervously*

I mean...

To Lance's horror, the Masamune met the same fate as that Titanium bat from chapter two: It shattered like glass.

"Ooooh!" Cloud teased, pointing to the shattered remains of the Great Masamune. "You broke Sephy's sword! He's soooo gonna get you!"

~~~

"MASAMUNE!!!" Sephiroth screeched. "MUST... KILL... LANCE...BASS..."

~~~

"See?"

"H-Hey! It was all your fault!!" Lance sputtered, pointing a finger at Cloud. An inappropriate one, mind you.

A stressed out Alice descended the staircase of the Hollow Bastion Library, having found nothing on talking in bold text. Perhaps she should really listen to Cloud? Well, she would have, if she hadn't seen the disturbing image of Cloud hugging Lance while both were sprawled on the floor.

Alice angrily drew one of the Light-

"DUAL BLADES OF LIGHT! AUGH, I THINK I PIERCED MY LIVER!"

...Dual Blades of Light and smacked both on the head soundly. Luckily, the blades were very heavy duty and didn't shatter upon contact with Cloud's head. Lance, on the other hand, was knocked out and bleeding internally.

"ALICE!" Cloud meeped, ignoring the brain-dead Lance and jumping behind Alice. "THERE'S A DANCING COCKROACH ON MY CEILING!!"

"NOT AGAIN!" Alice was sick of that damn thing, always dancing on the ceiling and making so much noise. It visited them three times a week now! Cursing under her breath, Alice climbed back up the stairs and went to the nearby desk, pulling out a .357 Magnum from the drawer.

She carefully loaded it, then went to Cloud's room. There was work to be done.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More insanity! Eh, I'm weird, no? I think I ruined the actual plot and just turned it into a random insanity thing. Oh crap. Well, next chapter, I'll get the plot rolling. That dancing "thing" on Cloud's roof might mean something!


	15. A Squirrel?

****

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: Dancing bugs are good for information!

Justin: Hey! This isn't the Marsh Cave...

Rae: No shit, genius.

Dan: I say we steal whatever is in this place and leave.

Justin: Dan! Light Warriors don't do that!

Dan: Just a suggestion...

Mary: ...

Justin: Well, wherever we are, WE CAN CONQUER IT! CUZ I LIKE SWORDS!

All: ...

Mary: This is a fanfiction on Kingdom Hearts, not a cheap 8-bit Theater parody.

Dan: Anyway.

Rae: *whacks both with mallet* QUIET! WE MUST FIND OUR WAY OUT OF HERE!

chibilinnet: What are you doing here? This is the author's note! Get out!

Justin: Author?

chibilinnet: Well, yeah. It's only supposed to be a paragraph long! GET OUT!

Alice: So I can write in it.

chibilinnet: Go away, I'm the author.

Alice: No you're not. You are not talking in bold text.

chibilinnet: Yes I... OH MY GAWD, YOU'RE RIGHT!

Alice: BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

chibilinnet: WHAT HAPPENED??

Mary: It seems that someone else has taken both your powers.

chibilinnet: B-But... aww, screw it. Let's just get on with the story.

Justin: SWORD-CHUCKS, YO! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC, WHITE BOY!! PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC RIGHT!! PLAY THAT..."

"Whoa! What the HELL is that?" Alice stared with fascination at the dancing cockroach. Well, actually, it was some ugly fat kid in a cockroach costume. But he was dancing on the ceiling nonetheless.

"Yo!! What up!" The kid saluted. Alice pondered on whether she should capture him and make him her court jester or to just shoot him and put him out of his misery.

"And who are you?" She asked, crossing her arms together, making sure the poor kid saw the shiny Magnum in her hands. Shiiiiiny...

The kid gulped. Audibly. However, he had the knowledge that Alice needed! Yeeeesss... the knowledge... 

"I am 'A Squirrel'." A Squirrel said, bowing down low and somehow managing to stay on the ceiling. "And I can do lots of things! Like stay on the ceiling and not die, talk in bold text, locate missing allies..."

"Talk in bold text?!" Alice put the Magnum on the nearby bedside drawer and climbed up the bed, trying to get closer to A Squirrel. "Tell me!" She urged him.

"I can't, it's a secret." A Squirrel stuck his tongue out and went back to dancing.

"TELL ME!" Alice shrieked, grabbing the Magnum and shooting the ceiling. A tile fell and homed in on Cloud, focusing on causing him much pain, However, the stupid tile got caught on his front spike. The tile cried and twisted around in pain before finally dying. Cloud felt sad and decided to bury it.

"A SQUIRREL DON'T TELL NO SECRETS" A Squirrel screamed back, scuttling out of the room at top speeds. Alice chased it, shooting at the halls with both no mercy and terrible. The bullets got caught in the blue-green goo and struggled violently, but to no avail. The goo ate it. The goo was happy.

OK, enough about the goo.

Anyway, by the time Alice had reached the end of the hallway and cornered A Squirrel, she ran out of bullets and had no gun powder to make more. Cursing, she watched A Squirrel try to make his escape.

"OH NO YOU DON'T!" She screamed, throwing the gun at A Squirrel. It smacked A Squirrel's head and the poor cockroach/geek hybrid fell on the ground, twitching. Alice smiled happily, and the FFX Victory Theme came on.

"NO MUSIC!"

And then it stopped.

And then the Chocobo Battle Theme from FF7 came on.

"Eh, it'll do." Alice muttered, and she spent nearly the whole duration of this chapter dragging A Squirrel down the very long hall, which stretched itself a good 2 miles longer just to spite her.

~~~

girly scream"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"/girly scream 

Kairi jumped up about a foot in the air and knocked her head on the plot hole ceiling. A string of curses flowed from her mouth, filling the room with their lovely sounds. Ah, profanity, how I love thee...

"What?!" Kairi screamed back. Except there was no one to scream at. Riku(chu) and Riku were hiding behind Kairi, whimpering like little girls.

Kairi looked forward. She saw... BRITNEY SPEARS!!

"AAAAAAAHHHHH!! OH MY ****ING GOD!!!!" Kairi screeched, nearly shattering the walls. Britney Spears smiled and opened her mouth to sing when...

SHOOM!

With a cheesy sound effect, a spear went right through her abdomen and she crumpled to the ground, Aerith-style.

"HOW THE **** COULD YOU ****ING FORGET ABOUT ME?!"

Of course, there is only one person who swears that much and it's not the author. Cid Highwind has returned!!

"Cid!" Kairi smiled, happy to see the profane old child molester again. Well, she didn't know about the child molester part. Yet. But we won't go there.

"Stupid-ass author ****ing forgot about me. But I'm glad I came here to save yer pathetic asses from this *****..." Cid gleefully grinned, poking Britney's dead body with his spear.

"So, how is TT?" Kairi asked, doing her womanly duty and boring the boys with a long and utterly stupid conversation. Actually, she mostly did it out of spite.

"Eh, it's been doing good. I got me some GOOD READIN'!" Cid tossed a red book at Kairi. The cover gleamed with gold letters: "How to take over the World", and in smaller yellow cursive letters underneath it read "A handbook for the Aspiring Dictator".

"Very... interesting." Kairi blinked. The two Rikus stared at the book with mild interest. She handed the book back to Cid, who cackled some more.

"One day, Kairi, I'll show 'em all! If Square can't let me have space, I'LL RULE THE WORLD!" He cackled insanely, and suddenly ran into the corner, deep in thought.

"Rikuchu?" What? Riku pointed at Cid and scratched his head in confusion.

Riku and Kairi shrugged and kept on walking, having the dreaded feeling that they would be stuck in the tunnel forever.

"WAIT JUST A DAMN MINUTE!"

Cid came running after them. He collapsed and started gasping for sweet precious air. Kairi clicked her tongue and the two Rikus snickered at Cid's misfortune. How cruel they were!

"Ya...don't...have...to...walk...ya...know..." Cid gasped feebly, reaching towards Kairi with a fist. "Take...this..." the fist uncurled, revealing a shiny set of what looked like miniature keyblades.

"ROAD TRIP!!" Riku squealed, and he grabbed the keys, giggling with insane glee. Cid grunted and pointed to a section of the Plothole that seemed to shimmer like metal. 

"There's...the...gummi...ship..." And with that, Cid fainted from lung cancer. Smoking is bad, kids, don't do it!

"I WANNA DRIVE!" Riku poked the shimmering metallic surface, revealing a very prettyful Gummi Ship of Doom. Well, it was an old Kingdom model, but Riku was quick to notice it had Thundara lasers and an Ultima cannon.

"Chu... Riku rik riku chu?" Riku(chu) nervously climbed in after an excited Riku, and Kairi followed.

"Where the heck do you... OH HERE!" Riku jammed the key into the slot and the Gummi ship roared to life, spitting out fumes and flame from the exhaust pipe. The radio suddenly blared "Hikari" (The Godson remix, XD!) and everything was in motion!

"FLOOR IT!" Riku screamed, as he practically jumped on the acceleration. The ship blasted through the other side of the Plothole and into hyperspace, where happy meteors sped around trying to destroy anything that moved.

"Riku, are you sure you can move this-AAAAHHH!!" Kairi screamed as the ship gave a sudden 90 degree turn and she gripped on her seat for dear life.

"I remember Linnet saying something' 'bout the Lunatic Pandora, so we're going there!" Riku told her, turning around. Riku(chu) squealed and grabbed the wheel in an effort to steer the craft.

"RIKU! KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD!!" Kairi pleaded, trying to hide in her seat. Riku laughed and kept on looking at her.

"What road?"

"RIIIIIIIKKKUUUCCCHHHHHUUUUU!!!"

~~~

And now, we return to the poor Villains, who escaped from Lavos's shell. Well, they escaped, but they left Sora and his troupe of idiots behind. ...

"WHO SAID THAT?"

Kuja looked around wildly, to the surprise of the other villains.

"What's wrong, Kuja?" Ultimecia asked, stopping in her tracks.

Well, it seems that Kuja can hear me. How delightful! But why only Kuja? Shouldn't Sephy, Ulti, Ansem and Seymour hear me too?

"THE DOCTOR SAID THE VOICES WOULD GO AWAY!" Kuja cried, falling into a fetal position and cowering.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! YES, KUJA, THIS IS DESTINY SPEAKING! LEAD YOUR COMRADES TO THE LUNATIC PANDORA!

"Lunatic Pandora?" Kuja meeped, still cowering. "Why?"

DO NOT QUESTION ME!

"Dude, the hell's up with him?" Sephiroth growled. 

Both Ansems shrugged.

"OK...OK...I'll do it..." Kuja whimpered. "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Eh, never mind, Kuja. It seemed Lunatic Pandora came to you.

And do, with "Destiny"'s words, the Lunatic Pandora indeed crawled into view. Everyone's first impulse was to run, but they felt themselves being lifted up into the air.

"Bwahahahahaaaa!" Alice laughed, from inside the Lunatic Pandora. A Squirrel glumly sat beside her, chained to what looked like an electric chair. She tapped a few buttons on the computer console in front of her and the screen zoomed in on the six paralyzed figures.

"One, two three, four, five...six? No, wait, that's the other Ansem..." Alice counted, disappointment crossing her face. "Well, whatever. We got five of them." Sitting back in her chair, she turned to face A Squirrel.

"What do you want now...?" The poor bug whined.

"I need you to tell me where Kefka is, silly." Alice poked him in the ribs. "You said you would lead me to all the villains of insanity."

A Squirrel laid his eyes down, not answering.

"I thought you said you could locate anyone. Now, tell me where Kefka is!" Alice persisted, her eyes glittering with malice.

"Lindblum Mental Hospital..." A Squirrel muttered. Alice clapped her hands with joy.

"Very good. Lance, you take over. Put them in the Maximum Security cell and DON'T let Cloud go near them." She commanded, standing up and exiting the room. Lance sighed and pushed a shiny green button. The villains were pulled in, and trapped.

"Why do you do what that horrible woman wants?" A Squirrel spat, looking at Lance with disgust.

Lance shrugged.

"Being evil is fun." He answered, with a grin on his face.

A Squirrel hung his head. They were doomed.

~~~

"Meeep!" 

Shroom jumped around, pointing to the Lunatic Pandora. Sora peeked out from the rock they were hiding behind.

"They took Sephy and Ansem! We have to get them back!" Sora squealed, pointing to the big floating metal block of death and doom.

"Creak, creak crik creak." Eya agreed, slithering under Sora and Shroom. It lifted them up and ease. With a mighty "GOBBLEDYGOOK", it raced towards the Lunatic Pandora. 

Because the thing was so slow, Eya caught up to it in a matter of seconds. It jumped and latched itself on the back of the Lunatic Pandora. Sora and Shroom hung on for dear life.

"Wow, it's so high..." Sora gulped, looking up. "I…I'm scared!"

"Meep!" Shroom pointed up and started climbing.

"Hey, wait! Don't leave meeeee!" Sora cried, closing his eyes and whimpering. Shroom sighed and smacked Sora on the head.

"Foo'! I ain't waiting all the day for your scrawny white ass to toughen up! Yer friends are waiting for you up there! Are you gonna leave them?" Shroom demanded, taking on a Mr. T voice.

Sora blinked.

"Shroom! You can talk!" Sora gasped.

"No shit! Now, you climb with us or I'll push ya off!" Shroom harshly confirmed, pulling Sora up. Sora whimpered and slowly inched his way up, Eya behind him to provide support and Shroom leading up front.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, this means the story is wrapping up, with everyone heading to the Lunatic Pandora!! Mweeeeheeee!! But do not fear, there will be far more chapters until the end. Especially since Alice re-acquired 5 of the villains and is now after Kefka.

Will this story ever end?!


	16. KEFKA!

****

CHAPTER SIXTEEN: The FF6ness consumes me!

I FOUND OUT MY TRUE IDENTITY!

I must be the freakish female reincarnation of Kefka! There is no way to explain why I wish to destroy the world and rid it of all life and existence!

I am Kefka! *_*!! ...Then why can't I use magic? ;_;

*hunts for Magicite and some sort of magic infusion machine thingy*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"CYANIDE COOKIES!" Kefka demanded, kicking at Zidane. "I WANT MY CYANIDE COOKIES!"

Zidane hissed at Kefka in anger. Kefka hissed back, raining down spit on poor Zidane. Disgusted, Zidane tipped the insane clown over and walked out, leaving poor Kefka there screaming for help.

"HELP!! THE JELLY WILL CONSUME ME!!" Kefka screamed, and he flopped face down and started to bite the soft white pads.. Aside from being a stupid random line, it's also an inside joke that only one person would understand. So why the heck did I write it in there?

The disgruntled Genome stomped out of the room and shoved the food tray he was holding to another man in green.

"YOU feed him, Edgar!" Zidane growled. "And stop hitting on Dagger!" he added, grabbing his girlfriend's arm and pulling her away.

Edgar whimpered. It's not like it was working anyway. Sabin was crazy, being a commoner sucked!

"CURSE YOU, SABIN!" Edgar ranted, and he kicked the door open. Kefka stopped trying to rip his room apart and gave a big cheesy grin to the not-very-happy former King.

"HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII EDGAR! YOU DON'T VISIT ME ANYMORE!" Kefka shrieked his greeting,. The TV cracked a bit, and a girl with a white dress and hair over her face fell out, cursing and ranting. Everyone ignored her.

"Of course not, Kefka, I hate you more than anything in the world....except maybe Sabin." Edgar sighed. He reluctantly scooped up some mashed potato by-product and shoved it into Kefka's mouth.

"Mmpph, mpggy mg!" Kefka attempted to speak, mashed potato by-product flying out of his mouth. Edgar cringed and his hand flew to his mouth, trying to keep the vomit in.

"I meant, don't you visit Terra anymore? She gets loooonely..." The clown sang. Edgar's brow twitched, but he took hint at the world 'lonely'. 

Suddenly, the room exploded.

Well, you could say that. There were lots of pretty feathers and polyester flying around after the wall burst open. Kefka laughed his hyena laugh and chased the feathers around, screaming "KITTY!" (another inside joke!) while Edgar remained confused.

"WHERE IS KEFKA?" A voice boomed.

It seemed the source of the voice was a big black object that just jutted out of the wall. Kefka squealed and hugged the object.

"VOICES! YOU CAME BACK! THE DOCTOR SAID YOU WOULD BE GONE FOREVER, BUT YOU CAME BACK!"

~~~

"What the hell?" 

Alice's face was scrunched up in confusion as she saw Kefka hugging the side of the Lunatic Pandora.

"Just play along." Lance laughed. "I think he'll come easier."

Even more confused, Alice decided to play along.

~~~

"YES, KEFKA." Her voice boomed throughout the building. "THE VOICES ARE BACK."

"YAY! VOICES!" Kefka cheered and did a happy dance. Edgar had developed a noticeable eye twitch.

"YES, KEFKA, COME HERE WITH US..." Alice grinned, lowering the door to the hatch. Of course, Kefka was more than happy to meet the voices again, so in he went, skipping happily.

"Hey!" Edgar grumbled and followed him in.

At this point, the world would have ended. Black would have become white, up would have been down, the whole world would have been plagued with insanity and randomness, not to mention Cloud would be able to read.

However, it was not so. Giving out heroes ample time to reach the ever patient villains who seem to wait at the last minute before they actually destroy stuff.

~~~

"It's toooo high!" Sora cried, clutching on the ridged edge of the Lunatic Pandora. The wind blew hard, trying to nudge Sora off the building and howl with laughter when he went splat against the desert floor.

Shroom and Eya sighed with exasperation. How were they supposed to give Sora enough morale to make it up to the top?

Well, they didn't, because a loud roar startled everyone and made them look up. What looked like to be a Gummi Ship was feverishly circling the Lunatic Pandora, looking for a parking space.

"HEY! HEY, OVER HERE!!" Sora shouted, waving his arms. Which was a bad idea because now he had nothing to hold onto.

Shrieking, Sora fell on Eya, who groaned and started to lose her own grip. Shroom meeped and grabbed Sora's hair, trying to pull him back out, but all he did was rip out a handful and cause Sora to shriek more.

On the bright side, the Gummi Ship heard them and lowered itself down to their level. Shroom would have been happy, but it was pointing it's Thundara-G cannons at them.

~~~

"HA-HA! DIIIIIE!" Riku cackled, slamming his fist down on the X button. The cannons let loose a burst of energy...

...but that energy circled around the intended targets and smashed into the sides of the Lunatic Pandora., as was the nature of the Thundara-G. Silly boy!

"NOOOOOOOO!" Riku cried, sobbing in misery. How come every time he tried to kill someone, it ended in vain?!

Riku(chu), on the other hand, let out a cry of joy and pointed happily to Sora.

"Riku, riku rikuchu chu chuuu!" Riku(chu) babbled. Kairi's eyes widened with hate when she saw the dangling boy.

"RIKU! TURN TO THE SIDE AND FIRE THE CANNON AGAIN! HURRY!!" Kairi cried, but too late. Riku(chu) had used the stolen Canada-Arm[1] that was installed in the cargo bay.

[1] The Canada-Arm is supposed to be some crane-like thingy helping to the build the International Space Station. YAY, CANADA! *gets shot*

"That was random." Sora commented as he was pulled safely into the Gummi Ship. As soon as his big oversized clown feet touched the floor, "Simple and Clean" started playing loudly as Riku ran forward to embrace his lost love.

Kairi grunted and scowled in the cockpit as she waited for all the mushy gushy crap to be over. Riku was flipping through the radio channels trying to change the song, but Simple and Clean played endlessly. It was enough to drive a person mad. And so it did.

"HOMICIDAL RAGE MODE!" Riku cried, and he grabbed a steel chair and swung it back, preparing to bash the radio into submission. However, a familiar voice crackled on air.

"Riku!! Riku, do you read me?!"

Riku dropped the chair in shock, and it evilly somehow targeted Kairi's head and smashed it. Kairi was knocked out cold and the steel chair jumped off the Gummi Ship looking for more victims.

"Linnet?! That you?" Riku hollered into the radio speaker.

"Yes, yes, don't be so loud... anyway, I'm here with Sora in the Lunatic Pandora. Riku, Alice has Kefka, but Edgar has to sign the release form! I need you to get in there AND STOP HIM!" chibilinnet spat. The spit flew through the receiver and splattered on Riku's face.

"OK!" Riku grabbed the controls and did something incredibly stupid.

He kept on looking for a parking space.

~~~

"What do you mean, he's still under hospital care?!"

Alice held Edgar at gunpoint. Lance and Cloud were holding Kefka up, as he grew bored and fell asleep. A Squirrel squirmed uneasily in his seat.

"I...I mean... Kefka isn't exactly free yet... I just need to fill out the release papers and he'll be all yours!" Edgar pleaded, not exactly for his life but for a chance to sign those release forms.

"Fine, but make it snappy!" Alice grumbled, pushing Edgar away. She angrily sat down and tapped her foot impatiently as Edgar scribbled away on his clipboard.

With a snort, Kefka woke up and looked around blearily.

"Where are the voices?"

"HIIIIIIII!" Cloud smiled. Kefka stared blankly at Cloud for several minutes. The stupidity leaked out immediately and attempted to infect Kefka's brain, but after seeing it's mangled state, the stupidity felt sorry for him and decided not to.

"UNICORN!" Kefka pointed, and jumped on Cloud's back. "RIDE AWAY, UNICORN!" Cloud was confused, so he just started running around screaming while Kefka was squealing with joy.

Alice dug into her pocket and took out 3 Advil pills. She swallowed them without hesitation, and buried her head in her arms.

"Well, look on the bright side, it'll all be over soon." A Squirrel reassured her. He got strangled in reply.

~~~

"RIIIIIKU!!" Kairi growled. "WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING?"

"I found a parking space!" Riku laughed. Kairi lost her patience and smacked him out of his seat, and assumed control herself.

"NO! KAIRI!!" Riku cried in vain, but too late. Kairi was focused into getting inside the Lunatic Pandora at whatever cost.

Panicking, Riku grabbed the microphone and started screaming in vain, to try and warn the hapless residents.

"WATCH OUT! WOMAN DRIVER!! WOMAN DRIVER!!" 

~~~

"Are you DONE yet?!" Alice asked through gritted teeth. The tips of her teeth had been ground down to non-existence and it hurt. A lot.

"Yes, yes, hold on..." Edgar worked quickly through the form. After memorizing Kefka's Social Security Number for future use, he tilted the clipboard to Alice, holding out his pen.

"Just sign here and you can have the idiot..." 

"FINALLY!" Alice snatched the clipboard and prepared to sign the document, and seal the world's fate, all in one handy dandy package with no shipping and handling!

As the pen lowered to the paper, Alice's breath quickened. This is it! The moment she had been waiting for! As soon as her signature was done, she would have opened the Door to Insanity, which was actually the Lunatic Pandora itself. Then she would finally-

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

With a great dramatic cry, chibilinnet just burst out of nowhere and tackled Alice, sending the clipboard and pen flying into the air. It clattered on the ground and the world was safe... for a moment.

"CURSES!" Alice screamed in frustration. It seemed she had fallen for a common villain cliché: Thinking when she should be doing. "YOU RUINED MY PLAN, BEESH!" With these words, Alice started yet another cliché: The Bitch-Slap.

While chibilinnet and Alice were literally slapping themselves silly, everyone else watched (the villains had the liberty of watching it in a steel cage). 

"Bet you five bucks Alice is going to win. chibilinnet is a wuss." Sephiroth offered.

"Dude, you are SO on. Have you even SEEN chibilinnet when she gets mad?" Kuja countered, and the two men(?) shook on it.

Suddenly, the wall next to the cage exploded. Again. However, instead of pretty padded debris and feathers, there was just goo, black ships and gummi blocks of doom. Everyone except Cloud and Kefka dived for cover.

"FASTER, UNICORN!" Kefka commanded, and Cloud screamed louder and ran faster.

"Kairi! Look what you did!" 

Riku hopped out and kicked aside a piece of gummi block, scowling at Kairi as she hopped down from the ship herself. Sora tried to, but he fell down and started bawling.

"What? We DID get in!" Kairi protested, pointing to the scuffling Alice and chibilinnet.

Riku grumbled something about stupid women drivers and shuffled over to Unknown Sora, who somehow managed to come in with chibilinnet but not get a flashy entrance.

Kairi noticed Sora was still bawling. It was annoying. She contemplated on kicking him, but Riku(chu) rushed in to comfort him.

"I told you, Riku, you're spoiling him!" She warned him.

Eya and Shroom watched from a safe distance. Eya creaked with joy and turned to a disgruntled Shroom.

"Creaaaaak! Crik crik creak creakity!" I told you they would start arguing about parental issues again! I want my $50. Eya smirked, if a bench could do that.

"Meep, mip mip bleecch..." FINE! Take your money, beesh! Shroom growled and threw $50 at Eya. She creaked happily and danced around, if a bench could do that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yes, I have been dead for awhile, ne? That's because I've been:

1) lazy

2) working on the Ansem Shrine (it's almost done! FWEEE!)

3) playing FF6 (it shows)

4) trying to work up enough courage to continue the Ring fic (it's not working)

Also, I will be attending a SCHOOL DANCE tonight.. _O! WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?? 


	17. It's all over, guys!

****

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: ZE ANSEM SHRINE IS DONE!

I DID IT! HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!! IT TOOK ME SIX MONTHS, BUT I DID IT!!!

Well, you can't see the Ansem shrine because of stupid FF.net, but I can fix that! Just add a www to "esoterical.tk" and you should reach it. It's very...weird. O_O

On to story business... this IS the last chapter.

However, I gave you all a nice big ending! BE HAPPY!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The climatic battle of mass proportions, which would decide the fate of the world. Should Alice sign the form or not? A decision the author has struggled with, trying to be cheap and end the story, or write more and make it unbearably old and crappy?

Well, whatever the author was trying to decide, the two would-be authors were still wrestling on the floor, trying to save or destroy the world.

Personally, I support the latter.

"YOU'LL NEVER SIGN THIS FORM, ALICE!" chibilinnet spat (literally). She wrenched the clipboard holding the precious paper away from Alice's pen. 

"THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK, LINNET!" Alice grunted, reaching for the clipboard. She yelped as chibilinnet kicked her stomach and ran off. Cursing, the two ran around screaming.

Just like Cloud, who still wanted to know why there was a clown on his back calling him a unicorn.

"WHEEEEEEEEE!!" Kefka squealed, obviously enjoying his ride. Cloud panted heavily and crashed to the ground. Cloud had suffered the same fate as poor General Leo!!

"Unicorn?" Kefka poked Cloud, confused. 

"KEFKA, YOU KILLED HIM, JUST LIKE LEO! YAY!!" Everyone cheered. The mere mention of Leo's name brought tears to poor Kefka's eyes.

"LEO! WHY??? WHY???? AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" Kefka sat there, slowly crushing Cloud, bawling for his dead friend. 

Of course, no one really cared.

"Don't you think we should be doing something? It doesn't seem like this is gonna end any time soon..." Kairi muttered, jerking her head toward the crazy authors. Ansem shrugged, sharing the same apathetic mood as everyone else.

"LAZY PEOPLE!"

With a mighty WOOSH, Asaka fell in. The author will leave you people guessing who the hell Asaka is and why she is here.

"??? Are you the hero that saves the world?" Kairi asked hopefully, so she wouldn't have to stop Alice and chibilinnet herself.

"I'm Asaka! I'm here for the rest of the story!" Asaka cheerfully explained, Her two muses Ashton and Leon (not the one from KH or FF8, mind you) came out of nowhere. The author was lazy today.

"Actually, this is the last chapter..." Ansem muttered. Little did he know that he would be forever revered as the man who saved the world.

Asaka's eye twitched. Ashton and Leon (remember: NON KH/FF8!) looked at each other nervously. The taller of the muses found a very nice corner to hide in and did so.

"Last...*twitch*...CHAPTER?!"

Asaka was angry. chibilinnet had promised her a part in this story! In fact, she had given chibilinnet a BIG part in HER story! AND THIS IS HOW CHIBILINNET REPAID HER???

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

Asaka screamed in angry frustration, sending everyone except Alice and chibilinnet scurrying to a corner to hide. Asaka then grabbed her trusty chickenstrip rifle (courtesy of the Vanilla Coke Mafia) and started shooting random places.

"EAT CHICKENSTRIPS, BEEEEEESSSHHHH!!" She screamed, scything the whole room in bullets. chibilinnet grabbed Alice and flung the poor soul in front of her. Alice took all the bullets in her stomach, but again, due to the nature of this story, no one dies... that way, anyway.

Unfortunately, Alice knew the only way to actually die in this story.

"I'M TAKING YOU TO HELL WITH ME!" Alice snarled. She grabbed chibilinnet by her hair and jumped dramatically out the window. Much screaming could be heard.

Asaka and the others all crowded around the window, a little scared.

"uuggghh..." A gurgling noise came from Cloud's throat. Cloud opened his eyes and Kefka squealed with glee. Jumping on the poor Ex-SOLDIER who really wasn't in SOLDIER's back, he screamed more.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!" Cloud ran forward, to the window, and jumped out. Before he could drag Kefka to his death, Sephiroth grabbed the mage by the shoulder and dragged him back in. Everyone watched, slightly amused, as Cloud followed Alice and chibilinnet to his doom.

"WHY DO ALL MY FRIENDS DIE??" Kefka cried, running away and screaming.

Everyone was very confused at this point.

"Is Cloud dead forever?" Kuja asked hopefully. No one dared say anything, since Cloud survived falling down a cliff with sharp pointy objects at the end.

Meanwhile, in the corner, Edgar and the Unknowns were practicing for their first gig.

"MORE FEELING, ED!! MORE FEELING!" Unknown Riku commanded, strumming his guitar. Edgar shot him a nasty look.

"Look, guys, I'm not into Soul Rock... this sucks."

"Yeah, Ed has a point..."

"Look, my name is EDGAR, not Ed!"

"Edgar, Ed, it's all the same."

"NO IT'S NOT! THERE'S A GAR AT THE END, AND I LIKE THE GAR!"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"OK, Gar."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

****

EPILOGUE

"SAME SEX MARRIGES!! EQUAL RIGHTS!! GAY PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE TOO!!"

The Destiny Islands Government nervously watched as Sora, Riku, Seymour, and a whole bunch of other people protested for ... gay rights?

"Kuja, this is a great idea!" Sora yelled over the roar of the crowd's stomachs (protesting makes people hungry!). "Me and Riku will get hitched in no time!"

"Yeah, I know!" Seymour yelled back. "And now I can get a job!"

Yes, Sora and Riku longed to get married (at the tender age of 16. Hey, if movie stars can do it, so can video game characters!). However, laws prevented them from doing that, so with the help of Seymour and his 'posse', they formed a giant protest crowd.

If the riots don't convince them, the headache that ensures later will.

~~~

"Aerith?"

Sephiroth poked his dear wife, who was still unconscious on the floor. Her closed eyes fluttered open, and Sephiroth sighed in relief. Suddenly, Aerith grabbed his arm and jumped up.

"I JUST HAD THE SCARIEST DREAM!" She screeched. The reaming windows in their house shattered in a million pretty sparkly sharp pieces of pointy doom.

"Yes, honey? You can tell me when my ears stop ringing."

"I had a dream... that there was this...gay rights protest in downtown... they had a riot... and the boys are stuck in a flaming building!" Aerith gasped. 

Suddenly, the TV magically flipped on. Of course, it wasn't static or anything. O_O" Instead, it was a happy (sorta) newscast.

"We interrupt this program to bring you BREAKING NEWS! The riot in downtown has escalated, when two young boys named Riku and Sora were chased in a burning building and trapped. Firefighters say they have about 5 minutes before they pass out, and 12 before they either burn or suffocate. And now, back to _A Connie Chung Christmas._"

"..."

Very quickly, the adult's attitudes had turned from cynical and worried to outright insane, and they dashed out the door screaming like hell.

~~~

"SQUALL! SIT!"

Yuffie smacked the seat next to her, and scratched Cheeseburger behind his hear. Kuja sighed. It was good to be home. Stretching, he curled up in Yuffie's lap and purred. Very loud.

Leon regarded the cat with a jealous look before he sat down and grabbed the remote. Yuffie snatched it back and whacked him on the head with it.

"We're watching VH1's Documentary on Edgar and The Unknowns! QUIET!" Yuffie commanded. Leon was about to protest when he noticed her shirt. It read, in very bright red letters:

"I have PMS and a gun."

Knowing it was wise not to protest, Leon forced himself to watch and pretend to enjoy the show.

~~~

"In only 6 months, Edgar and the Unknowns have become as popular as the Beatles themselves. Being the world's only Punk/Rap/Classical/Soul/Latino/Rock/Alternative/Pop/Blues/Jazz group, the band has earned their place in musical history and the national school music curriculum."

"They started as a small time band forming while war was going on, in the famous luxury ship Lunatic Pandora. Playing gigs for free, they were requested every night until they magically got a CD out. Some say it was due to the laziness of the author, others say it was an act of God. Either way, they have rocketed to fame. And now, meet the band members."

"Edgar Roni Figaro, was the former King until he relinquished rule to his twin brother Sabin to pursue a life of freedom. Lead singer of the group, and has already been charged with 15 cases of child molestation. Beat that, Michael Jackson!"

"Unknown Ansem, the cast off shell of Ansem from Kingdom Hearts. Plays the acoustic guitar, banjo, saxophone, sometimes all three at once. Also has been arrested three times for armed assault."

"Unknown Sora is the bass, viola, tambourine, and makes the high pitches squeals in the background. Sora also has a long blacklist, with 7 charges of shoplifting and has been arrested for armed robbery of a Krispy Kreme store."

"Finally, Unknown Riku plays only the drums, and he is mighty thankful for that. The moral person of the group, Riku has given to many charities and visited many orphanages. Of course, it's all just a cover-up for other schemes Riku has."

"We'll be back after this commercial break..."

~~~

Ultimecia shut the TV off, sick of hearing other people's successes. After the death of chibilinnet and Alice, she lost her magic again, along with Kefka and Seymour. The three had rented a room together, after signing Kefka's release form themselves.

"What're we eating?" Ultimecia called. Seymour emerged from the kitchen, with pink apron that looked like it had seen better days and a mixing bowl filled with what looked (and smelled like) shit.

"I dunno. We WOULD eat something nice and homemade, if KEFKA STOPPED USING THE MIXING BOWL AS A BATHROOM!" Seymour screamed. Kefka's giggles were heard from the kitchen, and Seymour cried.

The strong odor had grabbed Ultimecia's nose and charged inside, so the ex-sorceress grabbed the bowl and flung it out the window, hitting the Queen of England. Like so many others in this fic, no one cared.

"Thanks a lot, Ulti! Now I can't make pancakes..." Seymour whined. Ultimecia just smacked him and started ordering pizza.

"Seymour, get my- ACK! KEFKA! NOT ON THE FLOOR!"

~~~

"Domino's Pizza, can I take your order?"

"KEFKA, WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT MASTERBATING ON THE FLOOR?! ... Um, hello? Yeah, sorry, we're training our, um, dog."

Lance blinked, then gave the phone to his co-worker. 

"You take it. I'm scared." He shuddered. The redhead girl next to him frowned and grabbed it, taking the order. 

Ignoring the fact he knew those people, Lance set his mind back to his job. As long as he saw no more people he knew...

"CREAK!"

Lance looked down, confused. There, in front of the counter, was a walking bench, a White Mushroom. There seemed to be benches with mushroom caps on top of the bench. 

Something inside Lance's mind snapped.

"AUUUGGGGHHH!! THE PAST COMES TO HAUNT ME!" Lance cried in agony, He jumped over the counter and ran out the door waving his hat around.

"BUH-BYE, PEOPLES!!" He cheerfully yelled. "I'LL REMEMBER YOU ALL IN THERAPY!" Laughing manically, he ran around the streets screaming something about hats for clowns.

Everyone blinked.

"Creak?"

"Meep mip..."

~~~

"Well, this is where she fell..."

Rufus.exe poked Alice's splattered remains with a stick. It was fun. So he did it again. Fun.

Chibi-Auron came back, dragging what the top part of Cloud's head (the hair was still attached). He looked at Rufus.exe with big, tear-filled eyes.

"Cloud's dead, Rufus..." He said, almost dreamily. "Dead... that means..."

"No sequel..." Rufus breathed.

The two muses looked at each other happily.

"NO SEQUEL! THE STORY IS OVER!"

And so, the two danced. Well, actually, they poured kerosene over Cloud's head and then threw a lit match at it. Then they danced. Oh, how they danced! 

****

THE END (for real this time)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Terrible ending, I know. But ya know, sequels can never really be as great as the beginning.

Anyway, I'm glad you all enjoyed this! I was getting kinda sick of this...

Now... to summon up courage and FINISH RING FIC!

TV: *static*

AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!


End file.
